Ever since I was a little girl I was chastised for the wrongness of me. At first I was confused. What do you mean I laugh too loud? What does it mean that I am too curvy for a 10 year old? Why do you want to tame my long, unruly hair and put me in dresses when I rather climb a tree and play football with my brother and his friends?
Eventually the confusion gave way to anger. I became angry and stayed angry for a very long time. Anytime I felt the judging comments or looks coming my way, I would block it off at the start with my own growl or piercing stare. I learned from an early age how to shut down opposition fast.
There is a right and a wrong, good and bad to this though. While I learned how to love myself unconditionally, I also avoided constructive criticism that came my way from well meaning friends, boyfriends and family members. I couldn’t take it as constructive, I was too burnt from the years of oppressive comments that burned me to my core. I was angry and if you were not in agreement with me, you were against me. And all of Uma, couldn’t have that.
Fast forward to last year which I lovingly refer to as my “Dark Year of the Soul” and those unhealthy behaviors came full force. My anger cost me my relationship, friendships and created stress and strife in my life. I was not feeling the Zen I was promised from being on the Spiritual path.
I knew I desired change but I didn’t know how to go about getting it. Abraham Hicks says all of your reality is your manifestation and everyone and everything in it is there to serve you, as it is about you, and for you because it is created by you. I like to use the terminology of a sandbox. When we are born, we are born into our own sandboxes. As we go through life, we invite people into our sandbox to play with us. Some stay awhile, some come and go and come back again and some come in quickly and never return again. Sometimes we leave our sandbox to go meddle in other people’s sandboxes, and that is ok. It’s all a circle of life. A circle of sandboxes.
I believe what happened last year followed this concept and the Law of Attraction. Me, the UMA that was born on this Earth Planet many years ago knew she was wanted to uplevel and be there before she turned 40. The UMA wanted to work on those few bothersome things that were still affecting her on a personal and emotional level, and take it a higher level. So the UMA invited in the contrast.
Abraham Hicks talks about the need of human beings to invite in contrast for them to transform. Contrast is all the yucky things- drama, strife, struggle, pain and suffering. At this moment in time, we cannot ascend or transform without the contrast, so according to their teachings, it is a beautiful thing when the contrast comes because it signifies growth.
There was a lot of strife and struggle last year with business as I created another two businesses in addition to the two I already owned. My health and weight was not in the best place and these things were affecting me and therefore leaking into my relationship with my soulmate. Eventually it led to our downfall and for his own safety (and sanity) he had to lovingly walk away from our relationship. That was the last straw and I broke.
In true Uma style, I didn’t break halfway or a little bit or one piece at a time, I broke completely. It was a breaking of my self. It was the beginning of my death.
I remember reading Eckhart Tolle’s work awhile back, “The Power of Now” where he talked about being suicidal because he was tired of being him. He reached the point where he thought about suicide and was seriously contemplating it and it was that one night, he experienced as he called it, the death of the Ego.
As Eckhart was muling over the thoughts in his head, “I can’t stand myself”, he realized there were two voices. The “I” and the “myself”. So which one was he? He was identifying himself all the time in his thoughts and he wanted to know, who was this person speaking? From that first question, he gained an incredible amount of clarity and awareness and it changed his life to take him to the level of success he is at now.
Some call this other voice a monitor, some call it the Voice of Reason, some say Higher Self or our Inner Being. It doesn’t matter, the understanding is the same in that we are always accessible to a higher version of ourselves, and that higher version usually comes out in times of strife.
Last summer, I had a breakdown myself like Eckhart and contemplated dark thoughts. It was a dark moment where I wasn’t sure which way to proceed. It felt like all of life was failing me. My businesses were becoming increasingly difficult to handle, I felt betrayed by the disappearance of my soulmate, my kids were gone for the whole summer and I was all alone in my house with my thoughts. Yup, I was ready to check out feeling sorry for myself.
I remember one painful night very well. I drank a lot because I was trying to numb the pain of feeling alone, overwhelmed, fearful, scared, depressed and like a failure. I was in and out of consciousness and I faintly remember crying and talking to a friend about how this was all too much and I was overwhelmed. I went to bed feeling defeated and begging the Universe for another way.
I can’t remember exactly how the turn around came and I wish I did so I could share it truthfully here. What I do know, is that blessedly it came. I just woke up (literally) the next morning and I felt….lighter. Something was lifted and something was no longer there but I didn’t know what. It didn’t matter though, I felt so good, I got up and did my morning spiritual practice, something I haven’t done in a long time. And then I decided I wanted to live. Not just live day to day but truly live. I wanted to experience this life and expand my experiences as much as possible outside my previous circle of pain. I felt I could do it and I wasted no time getting to work.
I planned a girls trip to Mexico. I wanted to do one of my first loves, which is traveling. I also have a hobby of visiting ancient wonders of the world so Chichen Itza was on my list. In going to Mexico, the visit to the famous ruins wasn’t my high point. The high point of that trip was jumping into a cenote (an underground sinkhole) and swimming in the cool waters.
There were two ways to get into the cenote, either jump into the dark lagoon trusting there is no mythical water dragon there to eat you up or you can take the ladder down. I remember standing there with Julie and we were both contemplating it. It felt important somehow, me taking this jump, like it was representing something more than what it was.
As I stood there, I realized, “Uma this is what you do. You weigh the pros and cons of everything as life is passing you by. No more! trust your intuition and the vibration of the moment and go for it if it feels right.” I stopped thinking and jumped into the cool dark waters. As I sank lower and lower and lower, I let go. It was only a couple of seconds but it felt like a lifetime going down in that water. I kept falling and it felt good. It felt free.
As I rose to the surface of the water, I felt all the heaviness of my problems stay behind in that cenote and I came up lighter, happier and free. I laughed out loud uncontrollably and was crying but no one could tell because I was swimming in a cenote, where there were tons of people, lots of whooping and yelling and my uncontrollable laughter and tears were part of the mayhem. I felt like me again.
Not me prior to my relationship or my business, big things that were part of my identity for such a long time. I remember specifically feeling like I was when I was 12 years old. I felt sassy and happy and content with who I was. I felt fearless and adventurous and always up for a good time. I felt joy.
When we returned from Mexico, I jumped into life. I took a spontaneous trip to Florida to see my babies and hang out with my brother, talking about life on a beach in Fort Lauderdale and just being in the moment. I went to a concert with friends high on life and heard my favorite all time song live. And met some interesting people that taught me some interesting things. I took another spontaneous trip to Florida to be in an advanced mediumship workshop with John Holland and met an incredible group of people and fell in love with the most beautiful Gypsy man I ever met. We became friends but knew we lived this life together before.
In living for myself and with myself, I became increasingly aware of what this life was like and what it was about for all of us. I developed compassion for myself and all beings. I stopped looking through the lens of hate, anger, fear, blame, shame, regret, doubt and all the other distractor implants we have to distract us from just loving and being love. I became love.
Now this love I was experiencing and being, was my version of expression of love. So sometimes I can say this and some people go “huh?” Uma is NOT what I would think of as love and light, and you know what? You are damn right. I am not.
My expression of love is trust and allowance. My definition of trust is in alignment with the Access Consciousness founder Gary Douglas’s definition which states, “Trust is not about trusting in someone or in self, it is about trusting that person will act exactly how you know them to act given their circumstances and their thought processes.” I became clear in my perception. I became aware.
In trusting that people were going to do certain things based on what they know to do, I relaxed and allowed. I held no judgment and I stayed in my sandbox.
People noticed a change in me over this summer. To some, they couldn’t understand me. Like literally. We would have conversations and they would look at me and say, “I can’t understand what you are saying.” And this is the second part of my love coming in. I allowed. I was doing and saying things outside of the comprehension of many and they couldn’t grasp what I was doing. For some, they were aware enough to know that something else was at play here so they accepted and allowed and some turned to judgment. It was all okay.
Some went further and accused me of ridiculing them and being mean so I got blocked and unfriended on FB. I was accused for being a “fake spiritual teacher” and I got ridiculed for being an emotional being. However none of these things triggered me. I didn’t feel dejected or rejected. The anger did not come nor did the pettiness, because I was just so keenly aware of what was happening and sometimes even on a cellular level. This is how I knew I gained enlightenment. Life was still happening all around me and to me but I did not have a charge, an emotional charge about it. I was in a state of continual perception.
The best part of this enlightenment happened in my workplace. I took this awareness into my work, and I spoke to bodies that were sick and dying and brought them back to functioning. Law of Attraction brought me terminally ill clients, more so than I have seen in years. Last year became the year I stopped being a massage therapist and the majority of my sessions were either on the phone or in person and talking. No touch, just talking BUT people were leaving healed. Lighter, free and more aware. I am grateful for this shift that has profoundly helped me and helped others.
It’s not miracle work, its awareness. When you gain awareness, you know what you need to say to everyone and everything to make it work again. And making it work again, work the way it was intended to work, that was my way of expressing love in this community.
So what was the point of this blog? The moral of the story? Step into the pain. Go into it willingly. Embrace it if you must because eventually, one painful day or night, it will lead to the death of the ego and in doing so, the birth of awareness can happen.
I am not saying I am perfect now. Hardly. I am however more aware of where I still have work to do and what I can work on and what needs to be left alone until another time. When I do make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally, I am quick to apologize. I am even quicker to listen and slower to defend. I am learning to accept that people will do what they need to do to comfort themselves without regard for others because truly, they have to take care of themselves.
I am also learning when to offer help and when to step back. I recently tried to help someone close to my heart but they responded with such anger and hate towards me, I stepped back immediately and stayed in a place of allowance and love for the person. This particular person and I had a torrid past and they clearly were still hurting from my past actions. It is because of their hurt, I wanted to help, especially because I created the hurt in the first place but they said something that added to my awareness. “I am not ready”. I agreed and stepped back. I love this person for honoring where they are at and not judging themselves for still holding on to the anger. This is the version of super human I intend to be myself. To be ok with all the feelings and accepting of them all.
I see what people are doing, and I am seeing it clearly because I have no judgment into what they are doing. I want to help. Its part of my soul contract why I came here.
So in closing, ask yourself if you are in the middle of depth and despair. And if you are, be honest and ask yourself, are you running from it? If a yes comes up, how about trying something different? How about leaning into it as Pema Chodron would say, or just letting go and allowing it? Maybe you will experience the great death I did and begin to feel the free-ness of being you and being aware. It is something I wish for everyone. Awareness without Judgment. It’s a beautiful thing.
Love and Light,