Love Scares Me

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So it had to happen eventually……after being single for a few months, it was time to date and date I did.

I have to say that I entered the dating world innocently enough and with high optimism. I will meet a few people, check it out and go out on some safe socially distanced dates. No problem. How hard could this be?

Wrong. Entirely wrong. It’s a hot mess out here and the singles who have been single longer than a year are fucking weird. Like their requests and their moves, all foreign to me.

I was about to give up and just join the nunnery for the remainder of my life when one caught my eye. He….is…..gorgeous.

But not just like pretty boy gorgeous (which he is) but SOUL gorgeous. Someone who I can’t stop looking at…well his eyes in particular. Without meeting him, I knew he was a good person. It just poured out of him.

We met and my instincts were right. He was such a good and nice guy. The problems began with me because frankly I was overwhelmed. Here was a man who was gorgeous, inside and outside, well educated, cultured, funny and definitely attracted to me. We kissed…..and I lost myself.

I left that date unable to stop thinking about him. Just replaying all the video clips of our short time together and wishing I stayed longer. Then he texted me and said the same thing-that he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I became overwhelmed.

If you know or have anxiety, you can understand the rest of this story and if you don’t….well you are about to get schooled.

Overwhelming feelings aren’t good for someone with high anxiety. Couple that with my incessant need to overthink and overanalyze everything (thanks Gemini moon) and I spiraled out of control.

I can’t tell you what he does but let’s just say his work requires him to be in places where his phone is not allowed. So even though this sweet person makes me a priority and makes sure to text me everyday, it wasn’t enough. I spiraled into thinking that he had other women and he was playing me. So I told him that it was ok he was seeing other people to which he denied appropriately as he has no reason to lie to me.

I then began to second guess myself in relation to him. I am not pretty enough or smart enough or confident enough. I struggled y’all, really struggled to be OK but I wasn’t. I met someone who made my heart desire him and only him. I no longer wanted to date other people, I only wanted him and get this……he offered himself to me. Completely in the first few weeks told me without doubt that I could have all of him if I wanted. That he wanted to build a life with me and grow together.

And I froze. I panicked and acted all sorts of crazy.

I started dating other men more but without interest. I started pulling away from this guy and creating drama. One night I couldn’t take it anymore and ended it with him. He was polite and let it go. But I couldn’t.

I waited 12 hours then wrote him that I was sorry and I took it back and asked him to forgive me, which he did. Then he said something that brought peace to my soul. When I asked him if he still wanted to pursue this, he said, “I am open to it but I want you to understand what you are dealing with. I am nowhere near stupid and I allowed myself to be totally open. We connected on all types of things.”

And there it was, the truth in plainsight. Because his truth is my truth too.

I am NOT stupid. I AM open and if I invited this man, this experience into my life, then why for God’s sake am I running from it?

And why is it so hard to believe that I manifested the perfect mate for me? Have I not been doing my inner work all year? Have I not been focused on creating a life I could truly enjoy? Do I not deserve all the good things?

He showed up- the path is presented and I have two choices. I can walk this path or I can leave it alone. Of course I am going to walk it and again two scenarios. I come out of this hurt and pained or I come out of this with more abundance. Either way, I still learn and grow in the process.

So here I am, letting go of my fears and insecurities of all that can go wrong because it has in the past and timidly looking to a future where things actually go right.

And you know what? If it doesn’t go right? I still wouldn’t stop dreaming because its time. It’s my time to receive all the abundance that is promised to me. Love included.

Wish me luck my blog fans! Let’s see where this goes and you can trust and believe, I will be back on here to talk about it, keeping his identity a secret of course.

In ending, here is my advice and point of this blog. Yes love is scary and yes sometimes it is easier to put up barriers to love because it is safer being alone. However, one day your heart will meet someone who makes it excited. Allow it to explore the opportunity. There is something here that I promise you, will be worth the fear. So feel it but do it anyways. You owe yourself that experience more than anything.

xo Uma

Uma Alexandra Beepat is a published author of the Awakened Life by Balboa Press Publishing, the owner of the Lotus and the Light Metaphysical Center and a hopeless romantic who believes in soul centered love.

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