Codependent or Healthy in Love?

codependent relationship

Relationships are a funny thing. We hear often that famous saying, “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.” Isn’t that the truth?

Most times we say it in love and with laughter, but for some, this phrase is an actual statement into a deeper issue, one that supercedes fun, light and love. It’s about codependency.

What IS codependency? According to Wikipedia, codependency is the term used to describe a dysfunctional relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Like whoa.

Aren’t we supposed to have our OWN identity in relationships?

While for most of us, we believe so, for some codependent people, the belief is that they are not complete until they are in a relationship and that person they are in love with, completes them.

jerry maguire

I mean who can forget that scene in the Jerry Maguire movie when he says those same words, “You complete me.” 

It sounds romantic and I am sure for some, it is a desire to hear these exact words but I urge you to STOP! It is another Hollywood scenario that sounds better on screen than in real life.

Remember 50 Shades of Grey? Very exciting movie and book, but think about it in real life. Think of it especially with a partner who may not be a milionaire and owns a hundred companies and looks like Christian Grey. Hey realistically most of us can’t or won’t attract that kind of guy into our lives in this lifetime (being real not pessimistic). Would it be as romantic if your guy lived on his friends’ couches and didn’t hold down a job? I thought so.

In life, we have to learn to discern what sounds more like a great fantasy or what can actually work in our life. Most times, romantic fantasies need to stay just there, in fantasy.

Here are three signs of a codependent relationship. If you notice some or all of these, hang tight. I got you. I will also talk about connections in love xo.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship:

1. Your Sense of Purpose is delayed as you tend to your partner’s needs 

When I was  younger, I was very  much caught up in a codependent relationship with a boyfriend. I was a rising star at my college and given many blessings to advance forward in my path, but truthfully, I cared more about how he felt than my future. I remember there was a leadership conference and each college in the NorthEast United States were allowed to send two representatives from their school. Of course I was selected to represent my school and guess what I did? I threw it away to spend the week with my boyfriend.

When you are in a codependent relationship, the other person seems more important than you. Their needs, their desires, their wants are catered to and yours barely are acknowledged.

To break out of this mold, (and yes you can) the power scales need to be balanced. Start by taking inventory of a month. Are you only doing activities your partner wants to do or are your needs met? If you notice a tipping of the scales in their direction, have a talk with them and let them know that this is an issue for you and you would like it to be more balanced in your relationship. Either they will agree with you or not, and then you get to decide how that goes. But for now, start with inventory. Take an honest look at your relationship and decide how it feels.

 In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from his or her innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.

2. You believe the other person is responsible for your happiness 

In the first sign mentioned above, it is expected that the scales are as balanced as they can be to make it an equal relationship. This balancing does NOT equal out to your partner catering to you to make you happy.

One time I was arguing with a boyfriend when I was 14. I remember this clearly because of what I said and his response.

Me: ” I am so unhappy! It is your responsibility to make me happy in this relationship!”

Him: “Well then we are screwed because it is not my job to make you happy, that is your job. My job is to focus on my happiness and together we create a happy relationship.”

Lord that boy was smart. Smart and right.

No one can make you happy. YOU know this! But yet, once we get in relationships, it seems like all logic goes out the window and for some of us, we turn into whiny little babies who need constant attention.

We start placing blame when things go wrong and never think to look at ourselves. Why is this?

Sometimes we place the heavy obligation of happiness on another’s shoulder because we don’t want to face the truth that the relationship is not meeting our needs. We may know that it is time to move on but fear of being alone or dying single, keeps us in place. Then when we stay, we become unhappy and place that blame on our partners’ shoulders.

Be the bigger person. If you are not happy in your relationship, leave. If you are not happy with yourself, get help. Whatever it is, do anything but blame your partner. Because you know what? If your partner truly is the source of your unhappiness, then go back to step 1 and leave. It really is that simple.

I believe some people feel if they complain about it, it will somehow magically change to what they want. This is not how the Law of Attraction works. In fact, the more you complain about a source of displeasure, the more of it you will attract. I have tried repeatedly to share this information with several people in my life and guess what happens? Absolutely nothing. They keep complaining, and they keep staying in the rut they are in. In life, you have to know when to help and when to walk away and for these individuals, I tend to walk away.

If you can’t create a happy life using the resources you were given or have attained in life, then no one else will do it for you. This is your burden to bear. Figure it out. 

3) You need to be around that person all the time 

When you are with them, you feel ALIVE and full of love and happiness. When you are away from them, you call/text/snapchat often. When you can’t reach them, you are dying on the inside. If you do have peace and quiet in your alone time, it is because you know they are at work or the dentist and can’t access their phone. You feel happy and content.

Sounds familiar?

Being alone is necessary. It is in our times of silence and solitude that we uncover the parts of ourselves that need the work or can do with some improvements. When you are around someone all the time, (and yes it can be the same person or different people), you are engaged in interactions. There is no time to reflect, meditate and do some self-analysis.

I think some people use people for constant companionship because they don’t want to have introspection! They know on a deeper level, there are some issues to sort out but don’t have the drive, interest or courage to do so.

I have met some highly functional and successful broken people and have been impressed! They have shrouded themselves in such a strong invisibility cloak, it would make Harry Potter jealous!

Try to factor in some alone time away from your partner. How does it feel?

If it brings up anxiety, stress or fears, then you are onto something. You may have hidden out in a codependent relationship for awhile but cleverly crafted it as, “We are a team” or “We do things together”.

No you are not. You were born into this world alone and you will go out alone. This precious partner of yours will not sacrifice their life to go with you at the end of your timeline. And more than likely, they will eventually move on and be with someone else until their end of time. This is natural because at the core of it, we each need to survive and thrive.

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Now that we have some signs of codependency, let’s look at some signs of a healthy relationship. For some of you, there is a possibility to change a codependent relationship to a healthy one so why not try now? Just because you have identified being in a codependent relationship, doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in it. Here are three signs of a healthy relationship:

1) You Respect each other’s Boundaries 

My partner loves riding his Harley and loves his dog. He will not tolerate anyone in his life that does not respect his need to ride and his time with his dog. I can tell you that I am not particularly interested in riding on the back of his motorcycle and I am not a pet owner or dog lover (I know shoot me). How do we make it work? We respect the boundaries.

I join him on his weekend bike rallies by either driving there with him or staying back so he can go with his friends who also love to ride. When we plan our schedules, we factor in time for him to go riding. I find something else to do. With his dog Silas, we include him in our plans and then we create events without him. We work together while respecting each other’s boundaries. 

When you truly listen to your partner, you are not listening to respond but rather to understand. What makes them tick? What sets them off? And what can you do in the process to respect their process while also respecting yours?

Boundaries are needed in relationships! It lets each person know the level of safety and comfort available based on needs. Once needs are respected, each partner can relax more into the relationship and develop deeper bonds.

Take a personal inventory of your own relationships now. Do you know your partner’s boundaries? Do you respect and uphold them? What can you do differently to show respect for what your partner requires?

When you respect your partner’s boundaries, you allow room for connection because they trust you. They trust that you will not hurt them, not by your words but by your actions. This means everything to a person. I know it does for me.

If you don’t know what your boundaries or your partner’s boundaries are, no problem! Start making a list! I like to make a page with three columns and write down all the things I want in a relationship, what I can compromise on and what I cannot or will  not tolerate. For example, I want a kind person in relationship, I can compromise on if they are a pet owner and I will not tolerate smokers. Once you make your list, ask your partner to do the same and it doesn’t matter if you have been together for 2 months or 20 years, start now in communicating! Boundaries can change over time as we age, so don’t be surprised if your partner says things that seem new to you. This is the process of connecting and if you stay with it, you will reach deeper levels of your relationship!

2) You have no problem saying NO to your partner

One time I was really into studying the ancient arts of tantric practice and I dragged my partner along with me. We were both in a room with our tantric teacher, me in a sarong and him in a sarong that barely covered his body. He looked delicious but uncomfortable! He went through the private session with me and loved it but he put his foot down and refused to go to a group class with nakedness where we talked about intimacy! He drew his line!

And you know what I did? I respected it. I didn’t push, beg, manipulate or anything of the sort. I agreed and found ways to continue my tantra study through books and online courses and then used the practices with him in the sanctity of our home.

In a relationship, you can say no. You don’t have to cosign to everything. Sometimes I see women doing the craziest things to please a man! Things they would never do but did it to keep his attention. Guess what happens? Invariably a breakup happens and those same women go bat s**t crazy! You know why right? Because they sacrificed their time, money and effort to be with him and they can’t for the life of themselves, figure out why he wouldn’t want to stay.

Say yes to the things that make you happy and interested to do. When my partner asks me to go visit his daughter in Myrtle Beach, hell yes please! When he asks me to go to a football game in the dead of winter, not so much.

You have to have a firm basis of stability in your relationship to be able to say no though. If you are insecure and unsure about yourself and the relationship, chances are you are going to keep saying yes to things even though you rather not. What happens is you will start to break down energetically and exhaustion sets in. You overextend yourself and you will feel it in the long run. Concerning your partner, you may shift blame to them for your tiredness or crankiness even though you were the one that said yes!

Save yourselves and your relationship this nightmare by just honoring where you are, what you need and what you can and cannot do. Trust me, they will love you for it and sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

3) You have a life outside of your relationship

When I do relationship coaching, I invariable start out with my clients drawing a pie chart and having them fill in each pie piece with what is needed for a well rounded life. Some write health, love, social, money, career, spirituality etc…. And then I have them color in the pie pieces on a scale from 1-10 with 1 meaning little to no effort and 10 as maxium effort.

For my codependent clients, most times the love piece is fully colored in and for the other parts there is a lot of blank paper!

Guess what happens to these same people who have break up? They absolutely crumble.

When you place all your worth, time and attention on any ONE of those pie pieces, your whole world can end if that piece is taken away. It is important to have a life outside of your relationship. Start by asking these questions:

  • Do I have a daily spiritual practice?
  • Do I spend enough time with my friends and social circle?
  • Do I work hard enough or too hard?
  • Do I take vacations?
  • Do I work out daily or weekly?
  • Do i spend enough time with my partner, too much or too little?

When you start asking these questions, you train yourself to see where your attention is. If you noticed in one week, you never meditated, worked out, made a home cooked meal and spent all your time at work….you can see how imbalanced a life is.

Create a life where you thrive in all areas of your life so if one unfortunately has to be removed, you can mourn in appropriation. It doesn’t consume you because there are so many other pieces that are working.

In the end, we all are pursuing happiness. If we attach this happiness to a relationship, we can create sadness by its departure.

Learn how to have healthy habits for the sake of your healthy body, positive mind and thriving soul. In return, your relationships in your life will blossom as you now have more to contribute to them than take from them. How wonderful that will be for everyone!

Until  next time, stay in the love and the light

xo Uma

Untitled design (9)Uma is an intuitive consultant, consciousness coach, published author, inspirational speaker and the owner of Lotus Wellness Center in Northern VA.

To learn more about Uma’s classes and services, visit http://www.lotuswellnesscenter.net

 

I don’t do KnockOffs…

I am not a flashy person with nice, name brand things. It’s true! In fact, most of my name brand things come to me generously through my mom, dad and brothers who like the flashy things and every now and then on a birthday or Christmas occasion, like to get me one too.

When I do get the flashy things, I love it. I love it because it’s good quality stuff and the difference in the price DOES make a difference in the feel, durability, dependability and experience of the product.

When I was in college, I made do with Payless shoes and Walmart purses. I am not knocking them, hey they worked for me for a long time. But as I got older, I wanted more. I didn’t want my shoes to only last the summer or my purse to make it to a year and then shred on me. I wanted good, quality products that could last a bit longer so the turnaround on them would stretch. I am really not a shopper so I delay the process for as long as I can bear. If I am buying something, please Lord let it last my lifetime so I don’t have to go shopping.

At this point, some of you might have started to wonder if I am off my rocker. “Uma done did it now and lost her damn mind sitting her talking about shoes and purses.”

Or have I? (cue evil laugh and rubbing of hands together)

Maybe not. You know there is a purpose to this blog, so hang in there, I am getting there.

I am talking about quality versus quantity and real versus artificial because I feel the need to remind people that in life, if you take the quick route, you will eventually get what you paid for.

At my center I teach a variety of classes; some certification classes that follow the protocol of the parent company I am subscribed to and the rest Spirit Led. Spirit Led just means that Spirit woke me up (usually around 3am) and channeled a class to hold. I obediently follow through and it becomes one of the most amazing experiences myself and the students experience. It’s not made up, it is destined. 

As fun as my job is, there is the little quirks that pop up from time to time. In the beginning it was “nail on chalkboard” bearable but now, after so many years and so many times, its more like an annoying fly that buzzes too close to your pina colada on the beach. Shoo fly, don’t bother me!

One of these quirks is my observation of how many people that take a class or two in metaphysics and then become teachers in a turnaround faster than you can say, “Olly Olly Oxen Free!”

I remember working with a business coach awhile back and after assessing my center and what I do, she made the remark, “I have to give it to you-you create classes and teach and basically you are teaching your competition. Well isn’t that a doozy.” It is.

Now let’s be clear. I am not knocking anyone who has a life path and destiny to become a spiritual teacher or to own a wellness center similar to mine. In fact, there are many who created their businesses and have my stamp of approval with them because Spirit told me they would go far and do well as is their calling. I am only too happy to oblige.

But for the few, who do it for money, fame and recognition…. this is a post for you. 

Now some of you at this point might think I am being mean, shady or condescending. You have a right to your perspective but hear me out, and if you can stomach it, read through the rest of this blog before you make a firm decision that Uma is catty and immature. I am pretty sure you will have a different opinion by the end.

I am writing this blog in hopes it reaches the people who are doing these things and if it does, this is what I would like to say to them: “Stop it. You are doing more harm than good.”

Now why would I say that? Did I just pull it out from thin air? No.

Did Spirit tell me to say it to give people complexes? No.

Do I feel better or superior to others and feel the need to put people down? No.

I say it because if it is anything I can be known for in this lifetime, it is my integrity. I truly care about people. Most times people may think I don’t because I am not a warm, squishy kind of person but you know, my type of caring is not in that category. I am genuinely worried about people fulfilling their soul missions and making sure they are acting in authenticity and alignment with their purpose.

So with that being said, here are the reasons why a newbie student turned newbie teacher is not a good idea and why when you pay more or go with more, you get more:

  1. Newbie teachers break the cardinal rule.

Yes there is a cardinal rule of learning and this is how it goes: First you learn, then you DO and then you teach. Now depending on who you talk to, this can span months to years to decades. While I am a bit concerned about the timeline, I am more concerned with the concept.

My partner would laugh every time we took a class together. Immediately when we returned home, I would call up close friends or clients and offer them a session of what I just learned for free or at a discounted rate. My goal would be to get a set number of students in and practice the session. Usually by the end of the week, I have the protocol memorized and can do it easily without my manuals or handouts. This is the doing part of the protocol. Then after months or years of doing, I would feel confident to teach because I have seen all aspects (or alot) of the process and can handle situations as they arise.

I had one student learn a class from me in one month and then two months later she was offering the class AND at the cost I charged for the class. I was floored but I waited to see what Spirit would do. I knew this woman was not competent enough to teach this class, it was quite technical and had set procedures to follow. How could she possibly pull it off without even practicing it outside of the one session she did in class? I was worried and anxious thinking of her students who signed up and I prayed for them, that they would get alot out of the class and somehow it would all magically pull together to be a successful event. Well I didn’t even have to do that. Spirit ensured that class did not happen and as the days led up to it, one by one her students started dropping out. I was part relieved and also part sorry for her. I knew she needed that class for financial purposes but also my integrity said this was not right. Spirit agreed.

When you learn something, you need time to understand that thing. You need to sit with it, breathe it in, experiment with it and heck even fail at it. You have to mess up, try again and work it, work it, work it until you find your flow. Once you arrive at that point (however long it takes), you will know it’s time to teach it.

Usually I create classes because students ask me to create them. The way my process works is I get a message from Spirit to teach a class. I say, “That’s fine” but I need validation that this is meant to be and soon after that, the right people come my way to either collaborate or to be taught. That simple.

I became a past life regression therapist this way. I was working on a client, doing a regular reflexology session and as I was talking to my client, my voice naturally went into a hypnotic flow and my client went into a light trance. She started to recall a past life concerning an issue she was facing in her present day circumstances. There was alot of healing and tears that came from this process and I found it fascinating. I didn’t think about it anymore until months later when I was sailing on the river Seine in France and realized I was reading the book, “Many Lives many Masters” by the amazing Dr. Brian Weiss. I was being drawn to the path of past life regression and didn’t realize it. When I went home, I booked a class and got in to Dr. Weiss training program to become a past life therapist. It is still one of my favorite modalities to facilitate to this day.

I have never put up a class because someone else was offering it or to compete because the energy is wrong from the get go. And I have learned over the years of doing this, that if the energy and Spirit is not there, it is more work than necessary and shouldn’t be done. I have in fact CANCELED classes that had people in it! Why? Because the energy felt off and in acting in my integrity, I didn’t feel the students would get the same powerful delivery I could have delivered if I did it another time. As you can imagine this is frustrating to some but for those who know me and respect my process, they are relieved. Relieved to have a teacher who cares more about their experience than her bank account.

All this talk about money leads me to #2.

2. Newbie teachers are often in the grip of Ego not Spirit

I understand. There is no judgment here but a quiet request to really check in before you decide to offer this class you just learned. Are you sure you can pull it off? Will you do it justice? Will the student have a better experience with another teacher who has been doing it a lot longer than you? Do you have enough integrity to admit that?

When I teach Tuning Fork Therapy®, I RAVE about my teacher and the founder of the modality, Francine Milford. I WISH all my students could take it firsthand from her, the way I did. Francine is partly retired but comes out of retirement to teach from time to time (well at least for me!). I LOVE classes with her partly because its at her house in sunny FL and she makes me lunch too. 🙂 Mostly I love classes with Francine because she is so knowledgeable about everything and I always leave learning more than what I paid for.

I am proud to say that every teacher of Tuning Fork Therapy® in Northern Virginia came through me as I was the only person in this area taught personally by Francine Milford. I uphold this class to the highest respect because of that responsibility and also because students in my area cannot get a personal training from Francine unless they go to Florida to learn from her. So it is my responsibility I feel to give them as close an experience as I can to what she offers. It is nowhere near it of course! But still I try.

Francine sees my integrity in what I do and recently she gifted me 13 boxes sent by mail of over 225+ attunements and classes. Most of her life’s work, I now possess and my responsibility is to teach it to continue Francine’s legacy. As you can expect, I will take my time reviewing the classes and knowledge before offering it to students, because I want to make sure I teach it the way Francine would want me to teach it and to do the courses justice. It has to be right.

When I see Newbie teachers hustling to put up a class they just learned (and may not have been a good student at), I know they want the ROI quickly. I get it. When we spend money, we need to earn money but I believe there should be a pause button here somewhere and then a golden question to follow. A question like, “How does this work out for the student?”

DO you really feel you can deliver a wonderful experience and turn that student ON to the love of learning they are about to receive? Or will this be another failed class with let downs and disappointments?

Each class I offer, I prep for weeks and sometimes months before I actually step into a classroom. There is the outlining, storyboarding, mission planning, checks and balances, dry run through, emotional run through and spiritual run through before I even advertise the darned thing! And once it is advertised, there are more checks and balances, fielding Q&As and inventory before we get to class. Once in class, I hardly eat (or breathe) as I am so focused, tuned in, taped in and turned on to Spirit to deliver precisely what is needed for that group and by Spirit’s commands.

Newbie teacher are you prepared for all of that? Can you DO all of that? And lastly, are you interested in creating all of that?

One time I had a former client tell me they wanted to become a teacher. I knew this was a mistake. For one, my client was an extreme introvert so ummm….not sure how that would work.

I started to detail the work I did before, during and after class times and the amount of interpersonal communication required for EACH student and they backed down immediately!

“Oh heck no, I don’t want to talk to people that much! I don’t even like people!”

Bingo.

But you know how I saw that? Cause I am an experienced metaphysical teacher and highly intuitive person. I am trained to see what one cannot see at the present moment.

Usually when a Newbie teacher offers up a class, their drive is ROI, excitement, money, fame and/or significance. My advice is to take the time to learn what you know and trust that Spirit has your back. By rushing to put up an event you are not well trained in, you run the risk of messing up the class and not giving the student a pleasant experience.

There is no rush, no destination, only the journey. Trust the process. 

3. You get what you paid for

Sometimes I have potential clients call me for a session and when they realize my price, they would back out because “I am too expensive.” I once had a gentleman ask me, “Why would I pay you that rate for a session when I can go down the street and get it for ___(lesser amount)?”

I don’t even fight them on it. At that point, I agree with them and let them know that is a good deal and they should go there. Most times when I do that, I am met with silence on the phone. They didn’t expect me to say that and I guess they were hoping I would fight for their business. That’s not necessary.

Firstly, there are plenty of good, established healers in the area and I am sure if they go to someone else, they will get what they need. I have my clients, the people who want to see me and be seen by me. Other healers have theirs. We do not need to fight over this.

It is not my desire to work with everyone. I have no reason to. I made a call out to the Universe concerning the time of clients I want to see and so far, I have been getting my clientele. I am not hurting either. In the nearly ten years I have been working as an intuitive and healer, I have seen close to 10,000 clients. I know because I keep track of my sessions and I see roughly around 1,000 people/year.

My clientele come to me because they have been everywhere else and it is not working.

My clientele trust me to deliver the services they need and want with the highest integrity and passion I can bring.

My clientele do not fight me or question me on my services or prices because they implicitly trust that quality is more important to me than quantity as it is to them.

It is what makes me a genuine, real healer and teacher; not a knock off.

My reason for writing this blog is simple. I want you to know who I am and what I am about.

I love the work I do and it pains me to see charlatans degrade, abuse and villify my profession. Please people, let’s be more conscientious of what we are doing and how we are doing it.

The formula again: Learn. Do. Teach.

Some may say I made myself the whistle blower concerning this topic or the self appointed monitor. I am ok with those titles because we don’t have a regulating board of members or accreditation to our work. So someone has to say something and say it loud and clear. So I will.

You get what you pay for.

If you want quality, find the trusted, reliable, long standing healers/teachers in your community. It will cost you less in the long run.

My love and light with you until next time,

xo Uma

Untitled design (9)Uma Alexandra Beepat is an Intuitive Consultant, Metaphysical Teacher, Consciousness Coach and Published Author.

Uma owns Lotus Wellness Center and three other businesses in Northern Virginia.

For more information on Uma, visit http://www.umalotusflower.com

 

 

The Path of Least Resistance

sunrise behind tree

I listen to a lot of Abraham Hicks recordings on YouTube. I am a big fan of the Law of Attraction (LOA) and while there are many speakers on this topic, Esther Hicks just hits home with it for me.

It is not uncommon for me to include the requirement of listening to Hicks YouTube videos in my clients’ weekly homework. It is so helpful on so many levels. Many times my clients do not know who Abraham Hicks is, and well, if you are in this bracket, let me help a little.

Abraham is a group of beings not from this world who use Esther Hicks as a vessel to speak their messages. Esther acts like a channel by first relaxing and allowing the Beings who are collectively referred to as Abraham to speak through her. You can find hundreds of FREE YouTube videos on this phenomena like this one. The messages are always positive and filled with love and compassion for us earthly beings. I find myself soothed after listening to one of their fabulous channeled recordings.

 One of the teachings Abraham Hicks stresses about 80% of the time is taking the Path of Least Resistance. At first, I just liked hearing it and repeating it to myself because it sounded catchy. It made me sound smart and like I knew what I was talking about. However as I started delving deeper into the world of LOA, I kept bumping up against blocks while trying to manifest my goals in life. What the?!

I decided one day to really ponder on the concept. The Path of Least Resistance. What does that mean? Maybe some of you might get it right away but to this Capricorn, it sounded like Greek. I couldn’t understand. Until I did.

I had a situation come up with a friend that I could not avoid. I had a different point of view than this friend and unfortunately it was a strong difference in opinion. So strong that we could not continue on the same path because our points of views were so radically different.

It was at that point that I decided to try the Path of Least Resistance. I mean, I wasn’t about to change my mind, it felt right at the time for me to do what I was doing and for them, well they were just as stubborn about their view point as well. We were at an impass and only because of that, this stubborn Cappy decided to try a different route.

At first I just stopped resisting her. I would state my point clearly and then also clearly let her know I wasn’t going to change my mind so the ball is in her court as to what she wanted to do. Well, it would have been a good end to a movie if it just ended there, but of course it didn’t. It escalated and quickly.

This person who was so loving towards me turned harshly and took to social media to attack my personal life and my business. Ouch.

All of me wanted to fight back. To defend, to fight and mostly to win, but I kept remembering Abraham Hicks words, “You want to manifest your hearts desires? Take the Path of Least Resistance. What you resist, persists.”

So I didn’t do anything. I left it alone. I hurt silently in private and then put on a brave face when I went out in public and did the best to teach my classes and see my clients for services, but always with the burning, stinging words in my back. I felt less than, unappreciated and betrayed.

Eventually the former friend grew weary of attacking me and moved on to something or someone else, who knows because I was unfriended on FB which suited me well, because if it is one pet peeve of mine about Facebook is all the passive aggressive posts people put up. I mean just say what you mean and mean what you say already!

Well years passed and I all about forgot about this moment in history because like the LOA promised, things worked out in the end. My decision which I felt strongly about at the time panned out and my business grew by leaps and bounds, despite all the negative publicity (or maybe because of it) she brought to me. What was even more special was her reaching out to me after the fact and asking for us to have lunch and sit down and talk a bit. I was reluctant at first because I wasn’t sure who I was going to get but I trusted and went with best intentions.

It turned out to be a good lunch! She apologized for her behavior towards me and went into some personal details of what she was going through at the moment and how it just made me the punching bag. I was floored because of course, when you go through something like that, you tend to think its all your fault!

The thing that did change though was my reactions to these incidences. The Path of Least Resistance taught me several things which has helped me with my confidence, self-esteem and in maintaining my positivity:

1) You are a Shiny Mirror for others

Many times when people are REACTING to you, they are really reacting to some aspect within themselves they don’t like but are seeing quite clearly in you. I mean think about it. What could you possibly do that would be so devastating that they have to cut you out of their life? When you see people cut you out of their life or block you on Facebook, it is because they don’t want to SEE you…a.k.a they don’t want to SEE the parts of themselves reflected back.

SO if someone says you are bossy (true story), they are unhappy with the moments in their life when they are bossy and they feel bad about it. They want to change it but instead of analyzing their own behavior, they tend to look at what you are doing instead. It stings less. Didn’t Jesus say it best? Worry not about the speck in my eye but the log in your own?

What do you do then? You take the path of least resistance. You do nothing and let them act out. I have lived long enough to see people who made a great spectacle of themselves over MY actions or MY words, come back later in life and apologize. And you know what you do then? You stay humble and be in gratitude that they can accept responsibility for what they did because that speaks volumes to their character. The most enlightening beings will come back and apologize because they have no ego, they truly are concerned with their growth and making amends as they go along. Stand up people in my opinion.

2) Don’t Assume. It’s not Personal.

Even though the insults hurled at you may seem personal, it really isn’t. Hurt people hurt people and the harder the insults come at you, the more hurt they are in. I remember one time a looooooooong time ago when I was a young girl, full of emotion and passion, I had a screaming match with my boyfriend. I mean I was 16 and I was full of RAGE (God knows for what) and he was the one I was mad at so……..BLAST!

 It’s funny that I can’t remember all the details of this particular fight, it was so long ago but I will never forget how he reacted. He too was only 16, a boy really but so mature. He stood there for the longest time, silently and watched me; then when he found a break in my rampage, he just slowly walked towards me and hugged me. Well he timed that perfectly because I was so winded from all the yelling and screaming, I couldn’t do anything but collapse in his arms and cry. And he just held me. It was one of the most poignant and tender moments I have in this life that I like to reflect on. He would be a prime example of the Path of Least Resistance. He didn’t take it personally anything I said. He knew I was hurt and he knew I was lashing out and he was committed to hugging me and being there for me despite it all. Wow. Talk about a classy 16 year old!

If only we could all be that poised…..but actually, we can. I believe tolerance of other peoples’ actions or words is a muscle that needs to be built up. If you grew up in a home where kindness and virtue were extolled daily then you might have a weak tolerance muscle. If you grew up in a rougher neighborhood, you may have a strong tolerance muscle. But like anything else, you can build it.

NOW I am not saying just stick around and be a punching bag for other people. No way! You have to also have discernment about situations. If your partner is usually cool, calm and centered and one day they flip off and start dropping F bombs everywhere, you might want to take that opportunity to build your tolerance muscle. On the other hand, if the partner is constantly letting you down, hurting you emotionally or draining you, this is not the time ti build tolerance. It’s another muscle you need to work on and its called detachment.

 3) Focus your Energy Elsewhere

It takes a lot of energy to stay engaged with someone who dislikes you. It is exhausting running those mental processes of what you could,should and would have done in a different scenario. Stop. Haven’t you read #1 and #2? It’s never about you and it’s mostly their own issues they are addressing.

So that frees you up now…what will you do with your reclaimed energy? For me, whenever I am “under attack”, (remember this happens quite a few times a year, and I find the more popular my center grows, the more this happens on the regular), it is the perfect time to take a hiatus from social media. I would limit my social media time to just posting for my businesses and then be off as quickly as I got on. I would also increase my meditation time to tune out those pesky negative thoughts and stay in my vortex of happiness, peace and joy.

It becomes almost a game, where instead of playing to win, you are playing for peace. What can I do today to have the easiest and most peaceful day possible? You start to plan your route around people or things that can trigger you, and you know what? It works. You become so focused on your self happiness and ways to stay peaceful, that you almost forget there is someone out there who is unhappy with you. I heard a saying that I really loved that went something like this, “It doesn’t matter what other people think of me, it only matters what I think of myself.” Well I tend to think I am just the cat’s meow, so negativity be gone! There ain’t no place for you here!

 4) People will talk, let them.

I remember one time an ex-partner and I broke up romantically but remained friends. It’s not uncommon for me to do that, I mean, just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean I stopped liking or even loving the person, so why not stay friends? Well we were living in a small community at the time where everyone knew everyone. I remember he went to an event and these two nosy older ladies straight up asked him about our love life in front of everyone. He was a classy guy and he handled it well. He was able to answer their questions to tell them what they needed to hear without betraying our connection.

I remember when he told me I was so enraged. I mean what business is it of theirs? What did our love life have to do with the event anyways? But I did as my partner suggested and let it go. At first I let it go more for him because he was such a stand up guy but then I saw the reason in it. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do…people will always have some opinion about it.

You have to learn to take the path of least resistance and walk away from the drama without engaging. What happens when you do engage? It gets worse. Because that’s what unhappy people want. A reason to feel alive, a reason to DO something, a reason to fight for something because they can’t or won’t fight for their own self improvement. Ouch. I know it sounds harsh but trust me, I have seen enough of these depressing people in my life, and they all have a common thread which is unhappiness within themselves.

Now when I see other people nosy about other peoples’ businesses, I instantly recognize the core issue. They feel unloved or unworthy within themselves and feel the need to put down someone else to feel a little better. There is no helping these people because unless they accept responsibility for what they do, it wouldn’t change; so why even bother? I have learned to let people have the last say…not because I can’t debate them, but I just don’t have the energy or interest to. That revelation brought me so much joy and peace, it made the path of least resistance more irresistible.

I am aware that for letting go or taking the path of least resistance is either an entirely new concept or something you have dabbled with. My advice? Take it slow, do what you can and be easy on yourself. In the beginning if the path of least resistance is just you focusing on your breathing to feel better, then do that. In time, it will build to bigger and bigger steps to the point, you are completely not engaging and it becomes second nature.

Now isn’t that a nice concept? To live your life independently of others and be free.  What a beautiful world that would be if we all could. Until next time, stay in your Vortex and always be full of love and light,

xo Uma