Codependent or Healthy in Love?

codependent relationship

Relationships are a funny thing. We hear often that famous saying, “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.” Isn’t that the truth?

Most times we say it in love and with laughter, but for some, this phrase is an actual statement into a deeper issue, one that supercedes fun, light and love. It’s about codependency.

What IS codependency? According to Wikipedia, codependency is the term used to describe a dysfunctional relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Like whoa.

Aren’t we supposed to have our OWN identity in relationships?

While for most of us, we believe so, for some codependent people, the belief is that they are not complete until they are in a relationship and that person they are in love with, completes them.

jerry maguire

I mean who can forget that scene in the Jerry Maguire movie when he says those same words, “You complete me.” 

It sounds romantic and I am sure for some, it is a desire to hear these exact words but I urge you to STOP! It is another Hollywood scenario that sounds better on screen than in real life.

Remember 50 Shades of Grey? Very exciting movie and book, but think about it in real life. Think of it especially with a partner who may not be a milionaire and owns a hundred companies and looks like Christian Grey. Hey realistically most of us can’t or won’t attract that kind of guy into our lives in this lifetime (being real not pessimistic). Would it be as romantic if your guy lived on his friends’ couches and didn’t hold down a job? I thought so.

In life, we have to learn to discern what sounds more like a great fantasy or what can actually work in our life. Most times, romantic fantasies need to stay just there, in fantasy.

Here are three signs of a codependent relationship. If you notice some or all of these, hang tight. I got you. I will also talk about connections in love xo.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship:

1. Your Sense of Purpose is delayed as you tend to your partner’s needs 

When I was  younger, I was very  much caught up in a codependent relationship with a boyfriend. I was a rising star at my college and given many blessings to advance forward in my path, but truthfully, I cared more about how he felt than my future. I remember there was a leadership conference and each college in the NorthEast United States were allowed to send two representatives from their school. Of course I was selected to represent my school and guess what I did? I threw it away to spend the week with my boyfriend.

When you are in a codependent relationship, the other person seems more important than you. Their needs, their desires, their wants are catered to and yours barely are acknowledged.

To break out of this mold, (and yes you can) the power scales need to be balanced. Start by taking inventory of a month. Are you only doing activities your partner wants to do or are your needs met? If you notice a tipping of the scales in their direction, have a talk with them and let them know that this is an issue for you and you would like it to be more balanced in your relationship. Either they will agree with you or not, and then you get to decide how that goes. But for now, start with inventory. Take an honest look at your relationship and decide how it feels.

 In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from his or her innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.

2. You believe the other person is responsible for your happiness 

In the first sign mentioned above, it is expected that the scales are as balanced as they can be to make it an equal relationship. This balancing does NOT equal out to your partner catering to you to make you happy.

One time I was arguing with a boyfriend when I was 14. I remember this clearly because of what I said and his response.

Me: ” I am so unhappy! It is your responsibility to make me happy in this relationship!”

Him: “Well then we are screwed because it is not my job to make you happy, that is your job. My job is to focus on my happiness and together we create a happy relationship.”

Lord that boy was smart. Smart and right.

No one can make you happy. YOU know this! But yet, once we get in relationships, it seems like all logic goes out the window and for some of us, we turn into whiny little babies who need constant attention.

We start placing blame when things go wrong and never think to look at ourselves. Why is this?

Sometimes we place the heavy obligation of happiness on another’s shoulder because we don’t want to face the truth that the relationship is not meeting our needs. We may know that it is time to move on but fear of being alone or dying single, keeps us in place. Then when we stay, we become unhappy and place that blame on our partners’ shoulders.

Be the bigger person. If you are not happy in your relationship, leave. If you are not happy with yourself, get help. Whatever it is, do anything but blame your partner. Because you know what? If your partner truly is the source of your unhappiness, then go back to step 1 and leave. It really is that simple.

I believe some people feel if they complain about it, it will somehow magically change to what they want. This is not how the Law of Attraction works. In fact, the more you complain about a source of displeasure, the more of it you will attract. I have tried repeatedly to share this information with several people in my life and guess what happens? Absolutely nothing. They keep complaining, and they keep staying in the rut they are in. In life, you have to know when to help and when to walk away and for these individuals, I tend to walk away.

If you can’t create a happy life using the resources you were given or have attained in life, then no one else will do it for you. This is your burden to bear. Figure it out. 

3) You need to be around that person all the time 

When you are with them, you feel ALIVE and full of love and happiness. When you are away from them, you call/text/snapchat often. When you can’t reach them, you are dying on the inside. If you do have peace and quiet in your alone time, it is because you know they are at work or the dentist and can’t access their phone. You feel happy and content.

Sounds familiar?

Being alone is necessary. It is in our times of silence and solitude that we uncover the parts of ourselves that need the work or can do with some improvements. When you are around someone all the time, (and yes it can be the same person or different people), you are engaged in interactions. There is no time to reflect, meditate and do some self-analysis.

I think some people use people for constant companionship because they don’t want to have introspection! They know on a deeper level, there are some issues to sort out but don’t have the drive, interest or courage to do so.

I have met some highly functional and successful broken people and have been impressed! They have shrouded themselves in such a strong invisibility cloak, it would make Harry Potter jealous!

Try to factor in some alone time away from your partner. How does it feel?

If it brings up anxiety, stress or fears, then you are onto something. You may have hidden out in a codependent relationship for awhile but cleverly crafted it as, “We are a team” or “We do things together”.

No you are not. You were born into this world alone and you will go out alone. This precious partner of yours will not sacrifice their life to go with you at the end of your timeline. And more than likely, they will eventually move on and be with someone else until their end of time. This is natural because at the core of it, we each need to survive and thrive.

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Now that we have some signs of codependency, let’s look at some signs of a healthy relationship. For some of you, there is a possibility to change a codependent relationship to a healthy one so why not try now? Just because you have identified being in a codependent relationship, doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in it. Here are three signs of a healthy relationship:

1) You Respect each other’s Boundaries 

My partner loves riding his Harley and loves his dog. He will not tolerate anyone in his life that does not respect his need to ride and his time with his dog. I can tell you that I am not particularly interested in riding on the back of his motorcycle and I am not a pet owner or dog lover (I know shoot me). How do we make it work? We respect the boundaries.

I join him on his weekend bike rallies by either driving there with him or staying back so he can go with his friends who also love to ride. When we plan our schedules, we factor in time for him to go riding. I find something else to do. With his dog Silas, we include him in our plans and then we create events without him. We work together while respecting each other’s boundaries. 

When you truly listen to your partner, you are not listening to respond but rather to understand. What makes them tick? What sets them off? And what can you do in the process to respect their process while also respecting yours?

Boundaries are needed in relationships! It lets each person know the level of safety and comfort available based on needs. Once needs are respected, each partner can relax more into the relationship and develop deeper bonds.

Take a personal inventory of your own relationships now. Do you know your partner’s boundaries? Do you respect and uphold them? What can you do differently to show respect for what your partner requires?

When you respect your partner’s boundaries, you allow room for connection because they trust you. They trust that you will not hurt them, not by your words but by your actions. This means everything to a person. I know it does for me.

If you don’t know what your boundaries or your partner’s boundaries are, no problem! Start making a list! I like to make a page with three columns and write down all the things I want in a relationship, what I can compromise on and what I cannot or will  not tolerate. For example, I want a kind person in relationship, I can compromise on if they are a pet owner and I will not tolerate smokers. Once you make your list, ask your partner to do the same and it doesn’t matter if you have been together for 2 months or 20 years, start now in communicating! Boundaries can change over time as we age, so don’t be surprised if your partner says things that seem new to you. This is the process of connecting and if you stay with it, you will reach deeper levels of your relationship!

2) You have no problem saying NO to your partner

One time I was really into studying the ancient arts of tantric practice and I dragged my partner along with me. We were both in a room with our tantric teacher, me in a sarong and him in a sarong that barely covered his body. He looked delicious but uncomfortable! He went through the private session with me and loved it but he put his foot down and refused to go to a group class with nakedness where we talked about intimacy! He drew his line!

And you know what I did? I respected it. I didn’t push, beg, manipulate or anything of the sort. I agreed and found ways to continue my tantra study through books and online courses and then used the practices with him in the sanctity of our home.

In a relationship, you can say no. You don’t have to cosign to everything. Sometimes I see women doing the craziest things to please a man! Things they would never do but did it to keep his attention. Guess what happens? Invariably a breakup happens and those same women go bat s**t crazy! You know why right? Because they sacrificed their time, money and effort to be with him and they can’t for the life of themselves, figure out why he wouldn’t want to stay.

Say yes to the things that make you happy and interested to do. When my partner asks me to go visit his daughter in Myrtle Beach, hell yes please! When he asks me to go to a football game in the dead of winter, not so much.

You have to have a firm basis of stability in your relationship to be able to say no though. If you are insecure and unsure about yourself and the relationship, chances are you are going to keep saying yes to things even though you rather not. What happens is you will start to break down energetically and exhaustion sets in. You overextend yourself and you will feel it in the long run. Concerning your partner, you may shift blame to them for your tiredness or crankiness even though you were the one that said yes!

Save yourselves and your relationship this nightmare by just honoring where you are, what you need and what you can and cannot do. Trust me, they will love you for it and sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

3) You have a life outside of your relationship

When I do relationship coaching, I invariable start out with my clients drawing a pie chart and having them fill in each pie piece with what is needed for a well rounded life. Some write health, love, social, money, career, spirituality etc…. And then I have them color in the pie pieces on a scale from 1-10 with 1 meaning little to no effort and 10 as maxium effort.

For my codependent clients, most times the love piece is fully colored in and for the other parts there is a lot of blank paper!

Guess what happens to these same people who have break up? They absolutely crumble.

When you place all your worth, time and attention on any ONE of those pie pieces, your whole world can end if that piece is taken away. It is important to have a life outside of your relationship. Start by asking these questions:

  • Do I have a daily spiritual practice?
  • Do I spend enough time with my friends and social circle?
  • Do I work hard enough or too hard?
  • Do I take vacations?
  • Do I work out daily or weekly?
  • Do i spend enough time with my partner, too much or too little?

When you start asking these questions, you train yourself to see where your attention is. If you noticed in one week, you never meditated, worked out, made a home cooked meal and spent all your time at work….you can see how imbalanced a life is.

Create a life where you thrive in all areas of your life so if one unfortunately has to be removed, you can mourn in appropriation. It doesn’t consume you because there are so many other pieces that are working.

In the end, we all are pursuing happiness. If we attach this happiness to a relationship, we can create sadness by its departure.

Learn how to have healthy habits for the sake of your healthy body, positive mind and thriving soul. In return, your relationships in your life will blossom as you now have more to contribute to them than take from them. How wonderful that will be for everyone!

Until  next time, stay in the love and the light

xo Uma

Untitled design (9)Uma is an intuitive consultant, consciousness coach, published author, inspirational speaker and the owner of Lotus Wellness Center in Northern VA.

To learn more about Uma’s classes and services, visit http://www.lotuswellnesscenter.net

 

The True You overcomes the Lies of You

You know what’s beautiful about being in the spotlight? Being in the spotlight.

You know what’s horrible about being in the spotlight? Being in the spotlight.

One of the things I have had to deal with over the years, is people’s perceptions of me (usually wrong and false) and the “take backsies” of those false perceptions when they finally meet me.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I never liked you until I met you.”

“People say you are such an evil person but I get you! You are so raw and authentic!”

“I am glad I met you because from what I heard, I never thought I would like you.”

At first it use to really bother me. I mean really bother me that there was the idea of people being out there, meeting me and gasp, not liking me.

But as you get older, you get wiser and well honestly you care less so as these situations come up, they tend to rub me less and less. I am ok with it now.

I would like to say I am actually at the point where I can laugh at the silliness of it all. I can say that, because something recently happened concerning this and you know what I did? I laughed. Not an evil laugh as some might believe but a good ole hearty chuckle because I know what I know what I know and that knowing saves me a great deal of heartache and trauma drama.

Recently I had to do a reading for a client who came to me through a mutual acquaintance. This mutual acquaintance no longer approves of me and in fact is so disapproving of me, they tend to share their views about me publicly. So I know something was said about me to this prospective client.

I have to admit, I was kind of curious about this situation I was facing. Do I cancel the reading to stay in integrity to myself or do I go ahead and do this professional work and put my personal opinions to the side?  You betcha, I did the latter and took the client.

Frankly speaking, when it comes to the work I do, I maintain that I work for Spirit and I trust them enough to know that my personal views will not interfere with the reading I had to give. This person did not make me feel uncomfortable or have a threatening presence. I only knew that they were close friends with my former acquaintance and I was more concerned with them being able to receive this Spirit reading fully or having barriers up because of who was delivering the message.

I trusted Spirit though because with this person requesting a reading from me means only one thing to me. They needed my services and they were willing enough to put their personal opinions aside and trust me for this service. I was greatly appreciative and humbled. People can say what they want about me, but at the end of the day, I am a damn good Spirit communicator. People can say what they want about you, but they can’t touch what you are damn good at. 

As I got ready to meet this person for the first time, I prayed and asked Spirit to be with us for this reading and for me to be the clear channel I know I can be. See the truth of the back story is that even though I have the foresight to see what happened and why it happened, I am a girl with feelings and my feelings got hurt with the past actions and how they played out. I can forgive but rarely do I forget. I can move on but I can remember. You can be full of love and light and cautious. It’s definitely a thing. 

I was pleasantly surprised by my client. From the minute she sat down, she addressed the elephant in the room. “I want you to know that I don’t care what is being said about you, I can see your Spirit and it shines beautifully. You are real and you are wonderful and I love you already.” All barriers down, it was time to work.

And this brings me to the crux of this blog. People can SEE you. Not physically see you with their eyes (well of course they can) but see you with their Soul.

As we live these lives we have been given, we will choose to live it the way WE want to live it. This will understandably rub some people the wrong way as through their eyes, they feel they can advise you to do a better job of living your life. It all sounds silly here on screen but truthfully, this is the base of the matter. People want to tell you what to do based off of their perception. Forgive them anyway. 

As you rub people the wrong way, two things can happen.

  1. They move out of your life and move on to other things. They can either judge you for perceived failures or be a bigger person and realize that you are not in alignment with them, it’s not a right or a wrong, and move on peacefully.
  2. They can talk about you to whoever will listen because they really feel the need to justify their perceptions.

With the #1 kind of person, it is a relief. Relationships begin and they end. It is a natural part of life. When you meet someone who is mature enough to walk away and still think you are great….just not great for them….you have met a truly inspired being. I would like to think I am this kind of person because even though there have been many endings to relationships in my life (both romantically and platonically), I really still think each of those people are awesome in their right and wish them well.

With the #2 kind of person, it is a shame. I know it is natural to want to FEEL hurt by their actions but you cannot allow yourself to go down this rabbit hole. Their actions have less to do with you and more to do with their perception of you and how tightly they cling to it.

I don’t accept it when a client says, “I have no choice in the matter.” That is a straight and bold lie. We always have a choice and sometimes we make a choice out of laziness, necessity or lethargy. If a woman is in a bad relationship, she can leave. If she chooses to stay, she will tell you her reason from the get go. “I needed to stay for the kids” or “I don’t work, what will I do?” Still a choice.

When people leave your life, they have a choice to see what they want to see. They absolutely choose it when they see you as a negative person and then choose to share that with others.

Let’s be clear, I am not advocating to lie or hide truths from people; I am asking for a shift in perception.

Have people done me wrong? Absolutely.

Do I have a reason to drag someone’s name through the mud? Definitely.

Do I do it? No.

There is no point. Every relationship has ups and downs and when one is over for me, I tend to recall and reflect on the person’s high qualities and not their faults or mistakes. It is my choice.

I hope you make the same choice because I can personally tell you, it always work out in the end.  I have had several people come back into my life after a period of isolation and I can honestly say, I felt no guilt because I didn’t trash them while they were away. Some of these relationships came back for closure and some came back to be ignited. Life is a journey and we are constantly saying hello and goodbye while on it.

So if you are on the unfortunate end of the stick where people are talking badly about you, forgive them anyways. You know who you are, and you need to stand proud by that. People have a choice whether to believe what is being said about you or think for themselves. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how many people do the second part.

I was so happy to read for this new person who will now become a regular client of mine, because she loved the session so much. She loved it so much that she went back to our mutual acquaintance and raved about it to her too! I love that Spirit has my back and you know what? Spirit has yours too.

Be you. Be flawless yet authentically you. Those that will love you will flock to you and those that don’t, don’t matter anyways. Find your tribe and live free.

xo Uma

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Uma Alexandra Beepat is the owner of Lotus Wellness Center in Manassas, VA where she teaches classes in spiritual development and provides intuitive consultation services. For more information visit http://www.umalotusflower.com

The Path of Least Resistance

sunrise behind tree

I listen to a lot of Abraham Hicks recordings on YouTube. I am a big fan of the Law of Attraction (LOA) and while there are many speakers on this topic, Esther Hicks just hits home with it for me.

It is not uncommon for me to include the requirement of listening to Hicks YouTube videos in my clients’ weekly homework. It is so helpful on so many levels. Many times my clients do not know who Abraham Hicks is, and well, if you are in this bracket, let me help a little.

Abraham is a group of beings not from this world who use Esther Hicks as a vessel to speak their messages. Esther acts like a channel by first relaxing and allowing the Beings who are collectively referred to as Abraham to speak through her. You can find hundreds of FREE YouTube videos on this phenomena like this one. The messages are always positive and filled with love and compassion for us earthly beings. I find myself soothed after listening to one of their fabulous channeled recordings.

 One of the teachings Abraham Hicks stresses about 80% of the time is taking the Path of Least Resistance. At first, I just liked hearing it and repeating it to myself because it sounded catchy. It made me sound smart and like I knew what I was talking about. However as I started delving deeper into the world of LOA, I kept bumping up against blocks while trying to manifest my goals in life. What the?!

I decided one day to really ponder on the concept. The Path of Least Resistance. What does that mean? Maybe some of you might get it right away but to this Capricorn, it sounded like Greek. I couldn’t understand. Until I did.

I had a situation come up with a friend that I could not avoid. I had a different point of view than this friend and unfortunately it was a strong difference in opinion. So strong that we could not continue on the same path because our points of views were so radically different.

It was at that point that I decided to try the Path of Least Resistance. I mean, I wasn’t about to change my mind, it felt right at the time for me to do what I was doing and for them, well they were just as stubborn about their view point as well. We were at an impass and only because of that, this stubborn Cappy decided to try a different route.

At first I just stopped resisting her. I would state my point clearly and then also clearly let her know I wasn’t going to change my mind so the ball is in her court as to what she wanted to do. Well, it would have been a good end to a movie if it just ended there, but of course it didn’t. It escalated and quickly.

This person who was so loving towards me turned harshly and took to social media to attack my personal life and my business. Ouch.

All of me wanted to fight back. To defend, to fight and mostly to win, but I kept remembering Abraham Hicks words, “You want to manifest your hearts desires? Take the Path of Least Resistance. What you resist, persists.”

So I didn’t do anything. I left it alone. I hurt silently in private and then put on a brave face when I went out in public and did the best to teach my classes and see my clients for services, but always with the burning, stinging words in my back. I felt less than, unappreciated and betrayed.

Eventually the former friend grew weary of attacking me and moved on to something or someone else, who knows because I was unfriended on FB which suited me well, because if it is one pet peeve of mine about Facebook is all the passive aggressive posts people put up. I mean just say what you mean and mean what you say already!

Well years passed and I all about forgot about this moment in history because like the LOA promised, things worked out in the end. My decision which I felt strongly about at the time panned out and my business grew by leaps and bounds, despite all the negative publicity (or maybe because of it) she brought to me. What was even more special was her reaching out to me after the fact and asking for us to have lunch and sit down and talk a bit. I was reluctant at first because I wasn’t sure who I was going to get but I trusted and went with best intentions.

It turned out to be a good lunch! She apologized for her behavior towards me and went into some personal details of what she was going through at the moment and how it just made me the punching bag. I was floored because of course, when you go through something like that, you tend to think its all your fault!

The thing that did change though was my reactions to these incidences. The Path of Least Resistance taught me several things which has helped me with my confidence, self-esteem and in maintaining my positivity:

1) You are a Shiny Mirror for others

Many times when people are REACTING to you, they are really reacting to some aspect within themselves they don’t like but are seeing quite clearly in you. I mean think about it. What could you possibly do that would be so devastating that they have to cut you out of their life? When you see people cut you out of their life or block you on Facebook, it is because they don’t want to SEE you…a.k.a they don’t want to SEE the parts of themselves reflected back.

SO if someone says you are bossy (true story), they are unhappy with the moments in their life when they are bossy and they feel bad about it. They want to change it but instead of analyzing their own behavior, they tend to look at what you are doing instead. It stings less. Didn’t Jesus say it best? Worry not about the speck in my eye but the log in your own?

What do you do then? You take the path of least resistance. You do nothing and let them act out. I have lived long enough to see people who made a great spectacle of themselves over MY actions or MY words, come back later in life and apologize. And you know what you do then? You stay humble and be in gratitude that they can accept responsibility for what they did because that speaks volumes to their character. The most enlightening beings will come back and apologize because they have no ego, they truly are concerned with their growth and making amends as they go along. Stand up people in my opinion.

2) Don’t Assume. It’s not Personal.

Even though the insults hurled at you may seem personal, it really isn’t. Hurt people hurt people and the harder the insults come at you, the more hurt they are in. I remember one time a looooooooong time ago when I was a young girl, full of emotion and passion, I had a screaming match with my boyfriend. I mean I was 16 and I was full of RAGE (God knows for what) and he was the one I was mad at so……..BLAST!

 It’s funny that I can’t remember all the details of this particular fight, it was so long ago but I will never forget how he reacted. He too was only 16, a boy really but so mature. He stood there for the longest time, silently and watched me; then when he found a break in my rampage, he just slowly walked towards me and hugged me. Well he timed that perfectly because I was so winded from all the yelling and screaming, I couldn’t do anything but collapse in his arms and cry. And he just held me. It was one of the most poignant and tender moments I have in this life that I like to reflect on. He would be a prime example of the Path of Least Resistance. He didn’t take it personally anything I said. He knew I was hurt and he knew I was lashing out and he was committed to hugging me and being there for me despite it all. Wow. Talk about a classy 16 year old!

If only we could all be that poised…..but actually, we can. I believe tolerance of other peoples’ actions or words is a muscle that needs to be built up. If you grew up in a home where kindness and virtue were extolled daily then you might have a weak tolerance muscle. If you grew up in a rougher neighborhood, you may have a strong tolerance muscle. But like anything else, you can build it.

NOW I am not saying just stick around and be a punching bag for other people. No way! You have to also have discernment about situations. If your partner is usually cool, calm and centered and one day they flip off and start dropping F bombs everywhere, you might want to take that opportunity to build your tolerance muscle. On the other hand, if the partner is constantly letting you down, hurting you emotionally or draining you, this is not the time ti build tolerance. It’s another muscle you need to work on and its called detachment.

 3) Focus your Energy Elsewhere

It takes a lot of energy to stay engaged with someone who dislikes you. It is exhausting running those mental processes of what you could,should and would have done in a different scenario. Stop. Haven’t you read #1 and #2? It’s never about you and it’s mostly their own issues they are addressing.

So that frees you up now…what will you do with your reclaimed energy? For me, whenever I am “under attack”, (remember this happens quite a few times a year, and I find the more popular my center grows, the more this happens on the regular), it is the perfect time to take a hiatus from social media. I would limit my social media time to just posting for my businesses and then be off as quickly as I got on. I would also increase my meditation time to tune out those pesky negative thoughts and stay in my vortex of happiness, peace and joy.

It becomes almost a game, where instead of playing to win, you are playing for peace. What can I do today to have the easiest and most peaceful day possible? You start to plan your route around people or things that can trigger you, and you know what? It works. You become so focused on your self happiness and ways to stay peaceful, that you almost forget there is someone out there who is unhappy with you. I heard a saying that I really loved that went something like this, “It doesn’t matter what other people think of me, it only matters what I think of myself.” Well I tend to think I am just the cat’s meow, so negativity be gone! There ain’t no place for you here!

 4) People will talk, let them.

I remember one time an ex-partner and I broke up romantically but remained friends. It’s not uncommon for me to do that, I mean, just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean I stopped liking or even loving the person, so why not stay friends? Well we were living in a small community at the time where everyone knew everyone. I remember he went to an event and these two nosy older ladies straight up asked him about our love life in front of everyone. He was a classy guy and he handled it well. He was able to answer their questions to tell them what they needed to hear without betraying our connection.

I remember when he told me I was so enraged. I mean what business is it of theirs? What did our love life have to do with the event anyways? But I did as my partner suggested and let it go. At first I let it go more for him because he was such a stand up guy but then I saw the reason in it. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do…people will always have some opinion about it.

You have to learn to take the path of least resistance and walk away from the drama without engaging. What happens when you do engage? It gets worse. Because that’s what unhappy people want. A reason to feel alive, a reason to DO something, a reason to fight for something because they can’t or won’t fight for their own self improvement. Ouch. I know it sounds harsh but trust me, I have seen enough of these depressing people in my life, and they all have a common thread which is unhappiness within themselves.

Now when I see other people nosy about other peoples’ businesses, I instantly recognize the core issue. They feel unloved or unworthy within themselves and feel the need to put down someone else to feel a little better. There is no helping these people because unless they accept responsibility for what they do, it wouldn’t change; so why even bother? I have learned to let people have the last say…not because I can’t debate them, but I just don’t have the energy or interest to. That revelation brought me so much joy and peace, it made the path of least resistance more irresistible.

I am aware that for letting go or taking the path of least resistance is either an entirely new concept or something you have dabbled with. My advice? Take it slow, do what you can and be easy on yourself. In the beginning if the path of least resistance is just you focusing on your breathing to feel better, then do that. In time, it will build to bigger and bigger steps to the point, you are completely not engaging and it becomes second nature.

Now isn’t that a nice concept? To live your life independently of others and be free.  What a beautiful world that would be if we all could. Until next time, stay in your Vortex and always be full of love and light,

xo Uma

5 Tips to a Mature Breakup

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A few months ago I experienced yet another breakup in my life. You would think I would be safe from this trauma/drama in making it to my 40s, but no life has other plans for me. Including heartache and despair.

The breakup I am referring to is one with a close friend of mine and not a boyfriend. It seems I have a lot more breakups with friends these days and I guess I should be thankful that it is not intimate love related, but still it hurts. It hurts just as bad.

However in this story, there is a silver lining. In fact the silver lining is so shiny, it just damn well blots out the entire dark cloud. Why? Because despite the breakup, my friend and I were able to leave on amicable terms and I thought that was pretty amazing.

I am pretty sure there are many people who face the same situations I face on a daily basis. However no one is talking about it or they are suffering quietly about it. No need! There IS a way to end a friendship/relationship when the time is up and there really doesn’t need to be any struggle.

Here are five simple tips to achieve the breakup of your dreams (seriously) so you can walk away feeling lighter and free:

  1. There is no Right or Wrong, Good or Bad. It just is. 

My friend and I had a good run in our friendship for a couple of years but with the start of 2018, we both knew the change was coming. We weren’t sure what was about to happen but we knew instinctively that things were about to change and we needed to proceed with caution.

As the months progressed, it became evident that the change was about US. We no longer could be in each others’ lives the way we had been. Life was pulling us in different directions. I am a middle aged mom to two young boys, in a committed relationship and working full time in my three businesses. To protect her privacy and identity, I wouldn’t describe her situation but let’s just say, it was different from mine. And the differences were becoming increasingly more obvious as the months wore on. What drew us together in the first place was now vanishing quickly and we were clasping at straws desperate to save our friendship.

When our breakup finally happened, I am relieved to share that neither of us thought bad things of the other. In fact it’s the opposite! We layered praise upon praise to each other in our last breakup communication to the point where it was comical! I laughed a little, imagining someone reading our texts and thinking in a thought bubble, “Are they breaking up or making up? I can’t tell!”.

But it wasn’t for show either. We meant it. We meant every word we said when we said we enjoyed our friendship and our memories would be kept close to our hearts.

When you breakup with someone, more often than not, it is because life pulls you apart not because you stop loving that person. The love is still there but it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. So you end amicably and don’t point fingers. No one has to be the bad guy and for that, I am thankful to her for not making me out to be one.

2) Be Honest and Communicate

When we hit a rough patch we did the worst thing we could do. We holed up in our respective corners and avoided each other like the plague. Great. Of course it didn’t solve anything and it only made the confusion and discomfort worse.

When we finally decided to come out of our shells and talk about it, we felt immediate relief and peace restored! We were both feeling the same way but out of love and respect for each other, we didn’t want to say anything! We didn’t want to hurt each others’ feelings. Aww.

In finally communicating our personal truths, we realized just how much we had drifted from each other and how we could not fulfill each other needs list anymore. It made the breakup much more easier as we realized it wasn’t personal.

Sometimes when we go through things, we can only see it from our vantage point. When you communicate with someone, you can learn how they see it too and most times, its not the way you see it. It’s a valuable learning lesson that has helped soften the blow of a breakup and helped me to see things from someone else’s perspective. A game changer so to say.

3) Be Open and Be Vulnerable 

While communication is key to having a successful breakup, it cannot happen this way if guards are up and barriers surround each person. Space needs to be created for open and honest communication where each person is wiling to be vulnerable to share how they are feeling.

Rough stuff! I decided in the conversation to be the first one to open up and talk about how I was feeling. My vulnerability caused her to let her guard down and speak truthfully about what I did that hurt her for which I apologized. She too apologized for things she did that hurt me and was clear to let me know that she didn’t mean to ever hurt me. It was one of the most profoundly touching moments in my life. Two women, speaking from their heart with care and concern for the other. Powerful.

Hurt people hurt people. When you want to end a relationship with someone, attacking them will not make it an easy process. Instead of pointing fingers to the person and playing the “blame game” try speaking only to your hurts, feelings and emotions. Let them SEE you and what you are going through. Chances are, your vulnerability will cause them to be kind to you and also be honest.

4) State Clearly the Goals and Objectives
Sometimes the end of a relationship feels ominous. No one discusses what the actual outcome will look like or feel like, so then situations come up where you run into them at the local coffee shop and everyone feels awkward and out of place. Reminds me of my first school dance. Awkward.

When we ended, we noted that due to business relations we would still see each other from time to time and we were both ok with that. By acknowledging the social/work/family obligations you have with them, it makes it less awkward when you do see them at these social events.

I also stated my objectives for the breakup because really, what kind of b***h would I be if I just broke up friendships for fun? There were specific reasons for this breakup with the most noticeable one being that I was holding my friend back. She is meant for great things and in her need to help me with my businesses and my dreams, I saw too clearly she was sacrificing her own. She needed to go, even if I had to kick her out, she needed it because she deserved so much better than what I could offer her.

In being that open and honest in communication about my objectives, it brought her alot of relief and happiness. I could FEEL her exhale and feel better within herself. At the end of the day, a breakup is rejection and no one likes to feel rejected. Once she realized that I wasn’t rejecting her or her friendship but actually supporting her in achieving her goals and dreams, she felt so much better. And you know what? That made me immensely happy! Like I said earlier, there is no good guy or bad guy here. We are all just walking each other home, and sometimes we chose not to walk together.

5) Still be their Cheerleader 

After all the heart wrenching talk, it was time to bring the conversation to a close and I could feel the sadness from her as I did from me. I vowed to myself to still be on the sidelines cheering her on because truthfully, there is no ill will here. She is a great person and I was so lucky to have her in my life for the time that I did. I was blessed.

The next day I woke up and sent her a motivational FB meme in a private chat. I wanted her to smile and know that I still believed in her. Even though our lives are taking us in different directions, it doesn’t mean I will stop caring or loving her. I truly will continue to do so, as I know she will for me. It’s just not in the cards for us at this time.

In the end, we never really know what’s to come in our lives. Sometimes people circle back into our lives and sometimes they came for a season and left when it was over. Despite the differences, if you chose to have a mature breakup, then you create a world of love and care, connections and possibilities. Just thinking of those things make me feel joyful, light and peaceful. I think everyone deserves to feel this way, don’t you?

Here’s to happy endings (smile) and joyful beginnings. May we know them, have them and be open to receiving them.

In love and light,

Uma

 

 

Breaking Free…

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A story for the history books, Meghan Markle married Prince Harry and became the Duchess of Sussex. Well done Meghan, well done.

A few weeks ago we had the royal wedding and even though I knew I would watch and be moved, even I was a little shocked at how emotional I got over it. I mean, I cried for goodness sake!

It wasn’t just a cry about true love or romance or fairy tale endings. It was a cry of relief and a cry of hope because you see the Meghan Markle story is so much more than a story of true love against all odds. It’s a story of someone becoming something she and everyone else thought was off limits to her. It’s the story of Ascension.

As we all know, Meghan did not fit the traditional mold of women that marry in to the royal family. Let’s see how many strikes were against this woman shall we?

  1. American
  2. Even worse, American Actress
  3. Age wise-37 years old is an old maid status
  4. Divorced!
  5. And let’s not forget, biracial.

Yet despite the glowing and obvious “problems”,  Meghan was allowed in to the Royal family and is now the Duchess of Sussex. We can only speculate to that process but I am sure it wasn’t all rosy and good times for sure!

This IS history in the making, not only for Meghan but for her future children (if an option) and the Royal Family as well. Her lineage will now always be tied to the Royal family in some way, talk about a game changer situation! Way to go Meghan! 

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Meghan Markle outside the Buckhingham palace 22 years ago. Now she has access in! 

So what is the take away about this? More importantly why is this fairy tale story making me cry and why is it important to YOU?

Because it is a live and direct reminder to us all that at ANY time in our story, we can change our outcome. We can change our trajectory and become something bigger, greater, stronger and happier. We can ALL have fairy tale endings for ourselves and our generations to come. That’s why tears flowed freely for me.

We are only a product of our past if we choose to remain in our past. I don’t think for a second Meghan sat and thought about her past life or how much of a non-fit she was when Harry asked her out. I am pretty sure she said Yes without hesitation and without thinking too much about it.

It’s about living in the moment and living from your heart. It’s about choosing to see the beauty in you that others see in you. It’s about saying YES to life and all the choices and possibilities that come your way. Without hesitation. Without review. Without judgment.

It doesn’t matter where you started. Start Again. It doesn’t matter who you have been. BE who you are now. It doesn’t matter if you feel less than. Fake it till you make it. You have the power inside of you to recreate who you are at any given moment. It is all up to you.

So take a page from Meghan’s playbook will you? Go for gold, accept opportunities sent your way and who knows? Maybe you too can change your entire life and create a lasting legacy for generations to come. Dare to be bold and dare to dream. You got this,

Love and Light,

Uma