Today it is Thanksgiving 2020 and everywhere across the US, people are celebrating things to be grateful for. As am I……but today my mental processes took me back to the beginning of this year and throughout it. So here is my truth, I am thankful for the pain of 2020.
Let me explain the many ways (briefly) I was hurt this year and what I gained of it.
In January I had a surgery that went wrong and I nearly died. It was supposed to be a simple surgery of thirty minutes but two hours later it wasn’t and I lost more blood than the medical team accounted for. I couldn’t wake up after surgery and lost a lot of blood, so much so that it took 6 bags of blood to pump into me to bring my heart rate back. I was not coherent for most of this but from the stories of my partner, family and staff, I understood it was a close call. While I may not remember all the details of this experience, I very vividly remember being on the other side temporarily and meeting my beloved grandmother who passed away a few years ago. Aside from the excruciating pain of surgery and trying to come back, I had to deal with the emotional repercussions of losing my life and being on the other side for a brief moment.
After that scare, I suffered with mental pain as I had to adjust to being back here on the earth plane. I was depressed. Seeing firsthand how fleeting life is and seeing the other side of life (the beyond), I suffered with depression for a few months because I felt so…..lacking. Was I proud of the life I lived? Did I help enough people? Was I more kind than angry? I fell short in all of these areas and judged myself tremendously. I also missed my grandmother who was and still is an important figure in my life. To see her even so briefly invoked a lot of the old pain of losing her and I had to grieve for her again. Painful.
Then I caught COVID. Yup, right after I came home from the hospital. They didn’t know to test me then for it so they tested me for influenza and everything else but it came back negative. I knew it was COVID because I had a fever of 103 for a week, no taste and no smell and no energy. I just wanted to sleep forever. The pain of COVID drove me over the edge and at this time I also had suicidal thoughts because I felt like life would never be the same for me. I felt so beaten down first by the surgery and then by covid that I started entertaining thoughts of ending my life really to end the pain. Painful.
After I recovered from both the surgery and COVID, I was ready to go back to work but of course the state mandated quarantine came in and I was out of business for three months. In those three months I had to let my whole staff go and downsize from two offices to one. I moved classes and services online and survived but the intense work of completely reorganizing my life and career while still having fresh stitches from my surgery proved too much and I broke the stitches. I now had a very LARGE open wound that put my health back into jeopardy. Doctors were throwing around words like second surgery and at home daily nurse aide which did happen. Everyday I had to endure a nurse pushing a cotton swab INTO the open wound to check the length of it before she cleaned and bandaged it. I remember I would lie there and not cry but tears would silently roll down my cheeks.
You reach a point where there are no more words beyond the pain, you just accept it and receive it without objection.
I recovered. Took me four months but the wound healed, no second surgery was needed and then the business I own somehow miraculously thrived. Whew. We are now in the middle of 2020 and I am beginning to feel……hopeful. Life may get back to what it used to be right? We will come out of this right?
Of course we will but not before one last painful experience, the biggest one of them all-the end of a 5 year relationship with my soulmate, my business partner and my best friend.
I called it off in August due to private reasons and it….broke me. Beyond painful. Gut wrenching tragedy is how I would classify it. This man was MY man and to be my man for all of eternity. But as incidents go, it wasn’t meant to be and when it was time to go, I did. Obediently but not willingly. He was my everything and I really at this point wanted to just give up. Really give up.
I made a will and I made plans with the Universe to check out. No I wasn’t contemplating suicide (heck no!) but I was just in a place of….. acceptance. I couldn’t see how I could move forward in any area of my life- health wise, career, personally or romantically.
Everything died in 2020 and I wanted to die with them.
And this is where my gratitude came in.
Because the pain that was constant for 8 months did something to me. At first the pain did just that, caused me pain! Hot seering, burning, blinding pain where you rather die than continue on.
But it’s funny being human….we tend to adapt.
After a few months of some of the most excruciating pain I have ever felt (my wound healing needs a seperate blog), I learned to live with pain. It no longer bothered me. I awoke with it and went to bed with it. I made peace with it and pain in some ways even became my friend.
I learned how to read pain. Seering pain meant slow down Uma. This is all you can handle. Constant pain became the backdrop to my life and I learned to smile while gripping my leg to ease it. I learned how to carry on a conversation with a nurse while she jabbed cotton swabs into my open and raw flesh without wincing or screaming. I learned to share love with others even when love left my bed. I learned how to give this year.
That is what pain taught me, how to give.
And I gave. Oh God how I gave.
I gave money to help struggling families even when I was struggling.
I gave my time to arrange house visits and meal plans for struggling families even when I had no time or meals for myself.
I gave tears for others’ pains over mine.
I gave energy to keep others going even when I was drowning.
I kept going because I was going to be damned if pain would win over me.
And you know what? It didn’t.
It gave up and in giving up, it released me to a whole new life. A life I couldn’t see because I was too steeped in pain. A life that is so much different than before. A life I dreamed of.
My health is better than ever and I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and continuing to drop as my new body gets into the flow of LIVING.
My career started to flourish because as I let go of things and people, the presence of ME became more apparent and who knew? The people wanted ME all along. I started booking up and classes were filled again. I was in awe.
My relationships got interestingly better. I now surround myself with girlfriends who are open to authenticity and vulnerability. We don’t hide who we are from each other. We share our mistakes openly and our regrets as much as we do our joys and happiness. I feel supported and truly loved for who I am not who people want me to be.
And love…..well in the love department, that door is still open but I will say this. I have met some incredible men that have motivated me to believe in love again. One in particular opened my heart so wide, it shocked me. I feel like a teenager in high school again when I am around him and that in of itself is worth the experience of dating him regardless of if it works out or not. He gave me the desire to love again and I will be eternally grateful to him for that small mercy.
So this Thanksgiving I am alive and healthy, I am with my family in South FL and I am surrounded on a daily basis by love and truth. I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for the pain of this year.
Friends, we all went through the ringer of 2020, but after reading this little blog of mine, I ask you…..are you grateful for your pain too? Can you see the rainbow after the dark clouds? What did this blog mean to you and what awareness do you have now of your own pain and the lessons it brought?
I hope you do take the time to reflect on these questions because whether I know you or not, this is my prayer for you. “Be happy, be healthy, be peaceful, be love and in the end, do not fear pain, embrace it.”
Be it all because you deserve it.
Happy Thanksgiving and I love you.
Uma Alexandra Beepat is the published author of the Awakened Life by Balboa Press Publishing and the owner of The Lotus and The Light Metaphysical Center in NOVA.
Uma is a bonafide mystic who looks to the patterns and signs in life and lives accordingly. She is also a wild gypsy queen that is a Capricorn Sun, Gemini Moon and Sag Rising. Fun times!