Codependent or Healthy in Love?

codependent relationship

Relationships are a funny thing. We hear often that famous saying, “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.” Isn’t that the truth?

Most times we say it in love and with laughter, but for some, this phrase is an actual statement into a deeper issue, one that supercedes fun, light and love. It’s about codependency.

What IS codependency? According to Wikipedia, codependency is the term used to describe a dysfunctional relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Like whoa.

Aren’t we supposed to have our OWN identity in relationships?

While for most of us, we believe so, for some codependent people, the belief is that they are not complete until they are in a relationship and that person they are in love with, completes them.

jerry maguire

I mean who can forget that scene in the Jerry Maguire movie when he says those same words, “You complete me.” 

It sounds romantic and I am sure for some, it is a desire to hear these exact words but I urge you to STOP! It is another Hollywood scenario that sounds better on screen than in real life.

Remember 50 Shades of Grey? Very exciting movie and book, but think about it in real life. Think of it especially with a partner who may not be a milionaire and owns a hundred companies and looks like Christian Grey. Hey realistically most of us can’t or won’t attract that kind of guy into our lives in this lifetime (being real not pessimistic). Would it be as romantic if your guy lived on his friends’ couches and didn’t hold down a job? I thought so.

In life, we have to learn to discern what sounds more like a great fantasy or what can actually work in our life. Most times, romantic fantasies need to stay just there, in fantasy.

Here are three signs of a codependent relationship. If you notice some or all of these, hang tight. I got you. I will also talk about connections in love xo.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship:

1. Your Sense of Purpose is delayed as you tend to your partner’s needs 

When I was  younger, I was very  much caught up in a codependent relationship with a boyfriend. I was a rising star at my college and given many blessings to advance forward in my path, but truthfully, I cared more about how he felt than my future. I remember there was a leadership conference and each college in the NorthEast United States were allowed to send two representatives from their school. Of course I was selected to represent my school and guess what I did? I threw it away to spend the week with my boyfriend.

When you are in a codependent relationship, the other person seems more important than you. Their needs, their desires, their wants are catered to and yours barely are acknowledged.

To break out of this mold, (and yes you can) the power scales need to be balanced. Start by taking inventory of a month. Are you only doing activities your partner wants to do or are your needs met? If you notice a tipping of the scales in their direction, have a talk with them and let them know that this is an issue for you and you would like it to be more balanced in your relationship. Either they will agree with you or not, and then you get to decide how that goes. But for now, start with inventory. Take an honest look at your relationship and decide how it feels.

 In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from his or her innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.

2. You believe the other person is responsible for your happiness 

In the first sign mentioned above, it is expected that the scales are as balanced as they can be to make it an equal relationship. This balancing does NOT equal out to your partner catering to you to make you happy.

One time I was arguing with a boyfriend when I was 14. I remember this clearly because of what I said and his response.

Me: ” I am so unhappy! It is your responsibility to make me happy in this relationship!”

Him: “Well then we are screwed because it is not my job to make you happy, that is your job. My job is to focus on my happiness and together we create a happy relationship.”

Lord that boy was smart. Smart and right.

No one can make you happy. YOU know this! But yet, once we get in relationships, it seems like all logic goes out the window and for some of us, we turn into whiny little babies who need constant attention.

We start placing blame when things go wrong and never think to look at ourselves. Why is this?

Sometimes we place the heavy obligation of happiness on another’s shoulder because we don’t want to face the truth that the relationship is not meeting our needs. We may know that it is time to move on but fear of being alone or dying single, keeps us in place. Then when we stay, we become unhappy and place that blame on our partners’ shoulders.

Be the bigger person. If you are not happy in your relationship, leave. If you are not happy with yourself, get help. Whatever it is, do anything but blame your partner. Because you know what? If your partner truly is the source of your unhappiness, then go back to step 1 and leave. It really is that simple.

I believe some people feel if they complain about it, it will somehow magically change to what they want. This is not how the Law of Attraction works. In fact, the more you complain about a source of displeasure, the more of it you will attract. I have tried repeatedly to share this information with several people in my life and guess what happens? Absolutely nothing. They keep complaining, and they keep staying in the rut they are in. In life, you have to know when to help and when to walk away and for these individuals, I tend to walk away.

If you can’t create a happy life using the resources you were given or have attained in life, then no one else will do it for you. This is your burden to bear. Figure it out. 

3) You need to be around that person all the time 

When you are with them, you feel ALIVE and full of love and happiness. When you are away from them, you call/text/snapchat often. When you can’t reach them, you are dying on the inside. If you do have peace and quiet in your alone time, it is because you know they are at work or the dentist and can’t access their phone. You feel happy and content.

Sounds familiar?

Being alone is necessary. It is in our times of silence and solitude that we uncover the parts of ourselves that need the work or can do with some improvements. When you are around someone all the time, (and yes it can be the same person or different people), you are engaged in interactions. There is no time to reflect, meditate and do some self-analysis.

I think some people use people for constant companionship because they don’t want to have introspection! They know on a deeper level, there are some issues to sort out but don’t have the drive, interest or courage to do so.

I have met some highly functional and successful broken people and have been impressed! They have shrouded themselves in such a strong invisibility cloak, it would make Harry Potter jealous!

Try to factor in some alone time away from your partner. How does it feel?

If it brings up anxiety, stress or fears, then you are onto something. You may have hidden out in a codependent relationship for awhile but cleverly crafted it as, “We are a team” or “We do things together”.

No you are not. You were born into this world alone and you will go out alone. This precious partner of yours will not sacrifice their life to go with you at the end of your timeline. And more than likely, they will eventually move on and be with someone else until their end of time. This is natural because at the core of it, we each need to survive and thrive.

23621504_10156765255849638_7659781971525698544_n

Now that we have some signs of codependency, let’s look at some signs of a healthy relationship. For some of you, there is a possibility to change a codependent relationship to a healthy one so why not try now? Just because you have identified being in a codependent relationship, doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in it. Here are three signs of a healthy relationship:

1) You Respect each other’s Boundaries 

My partner loves riding his Harley and loves his dog. He will not tolerate anyone in his life that does not respect his need to ride and his time with his dog. I can tell you that I am not particularly interested in riding on the back of his motorcycle and I am not a pet owner or dog lover (I know shoot me). How do we make it work? We respect the boundaries.

I join him on his weekend bike rallies by either driving there with him or staying back so he can go with his friends who also love to ride. When we plan our schedules, we factor in time for him to go riding. I find something else to do. With his dog Silas, we include him in our plans and then we create events without him. We work together while respecting each other’s boundaries. 

When you truly listen to your partner, you are not listening to respond but rather to understand. What makes them tick? What sets them off? And what can you do in the process to respect their process while also respecting yours?

Boundaries are needed in relationships! It lets each person know the level of safety and comfort available based on needs. Once needs are respected, each partner can relax more into the relationship and develop deeper bonds.

Take a personal inventory of your own relationships now. Do you know your partner’s boundaries? Do you respect and uphold them? What can you do differently to show respect for what your partner requires?

When you respect your partner’s boundaries, you allow room for connection because they trust you. They trust that you will not hurt them, not by your words but by your actions. This means everything to a person. I know it does for me.

If you don’t know what your boundaries or your partner’s boundaries are, no problem! Start making a list! I like to make a page with three columns and write down all the things I want in a relationship, what I can compromise on and what I cannot or will  not tolerate. For example, I want a kind person in relationship, I can compromise on if they are a pet owner and I will not tolerate smokers. Once you make your list, ask your partner to do the same and it doesn’t matter if you have been together for 2 months or 20 years, start now in communicating! Boundaries can change over time as we age, so don’t be surprised if your partner says things that seem new to you. This is the process of connecting and if you stay with it, you will reach deeper levels of your relationship!

2) You have no problem saying NO to your partner

One time I was really into studying the ancient arts of tantric practice and I dragged my partner along with me. We were both in a room with our tantric teacher, me in a sarong and him in a sarong that barely covered his body. He looked delicious but uncomfortable! He went through the private session with me and loved it but he put his foot down and refused to go to a group class with nakedness where we talked about intimacy! He drew his line!

And you know what I did? I respected it. I didn’t push, beg, manipulate or anything of the sort. I agreed and found ways to continue my tantra study through books and online courses and then used the practices with him in the sanctity of our home.

In a relationship, you can say no. You don’t have to cosign to everything. Sometimes I see women doing the craziest things to please a man! Things they would never do but did it to keep his attention. Guess what happens? Invariably a breakup happens and those same women go bat s**t crazy! You know why right? Because they sacrificed their time, money and effort to be with him and they can’t for the life of themselves, figure out why he wouldn’t want to stay.

Say yes to the things that make you happy and interested to do. When my partner asks me to go visit his daughter in Myrtle Beach, hell yes please! When he asks me to go to a football game in the dead of winter, not so much.

You have to have a firm basis of stability in your relationship to be able to say no though. If you are insecure and unsure about yourself and the relationship, chances are you are going to keep saying yes to things even though you rather not. What happens is you will start to break down energetically and exhaustion sets in. You overextend yourself and you will feel it in the long run. Concerning your partner, you may shift blame to them for your tiredness or crankiness even though you were the one that said yes!

Save yourselves and your relationship this nightmare by just honoring where you are, what you need and what you can and cannot do. Trust me, they will love you for it and sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

3) You have a life outside of your relationship

When I do relationship coaching, I invariable start out with my clients drawing a pie chart and having them fill in each pie piece with what is needed for a well rounded life. Some write health, love, social, money, career, spirituality etc…. And then I have them color in the pie pieces on a scale from 1-10 with 1 meaning little to no effort and 10 as maxium effort.

For my codependent clients, most times the love piece is fully colored in and for the other parts there is a lot of blank paper!

Guess what happens to these same people who have break up? They absolutely crumble.

When you place all your worth, time and attention on any ONE of those pie pieces, your whole world can end if that piece is taken away. It is important to have a life outside of your relationship. Start by asking these questions:

  • Do I have a daily spiritual practice?
  • Do I spend enough time with my friends and social circle?
  • Do I work hard enough or too hard?
  • Do I take vacations?
  • Do I work out daily or weekly?
  • Do i spend enough time with my partner, too much or too little?

When you start asking these questions, you train yourself to see where your attention is. If you noticed in one week, you never meditated, worked out, made a home cooked meal and spent all your time at work….you can see how imbalanced a life is.

Create a life where you thrive in all areas of your life so if one unfortunately has to be removed, you can mourn in appropriation. It doesn’t consume you because there are so many other pieces that are working.

In the end, we all are pursuing happiness. If we attach this happiness to a relationship, we can create sadness by its departure.

Learn how to have healthy habits for the sake of your healthy body, positive mind and thriving soul. In return, your relationships in your life will blossom as you now have more to contribute to them than take from them. How wonderful that will be for everyone!

Until  next time, stay in the love and the light

xo Uma

Untitled design (9)Uma is an intuitive consultant, consciousness coach, published author, inspirational speaker and the owner of Lotus Wellness Center in Northern VA.

To learn more about Uma’s classes and services, visit http://www.lotuswellnesscenter.net

 

The Sin of Loving Yourself

I love myself.

I really love myself.

I love myself so much that sometimes people get offended.

They get offended because in loving myself, I fail to love them as hard as I love myself.

That is a fact.

There is a large population of people who are looking and searching for the best answer to the age old question, “How do I love myself?”

I am sorry but I am not in that group of people.

I somehow seem to be lumped in with the narcissists and vain, the “uppity” and snooty crowd because I have never doubted my brilliance, my divinity or the Goddess who resides within me.

However, because I honor that divine Spark within me and think of myself in a glorious way, I have been called the above names before. It’s a catch isn’t it?

I don’t need classes or books to tell me how to overcome my shyness or connect with my Inner Goddess. I don’t need workshops to help lift me up. I am already there. But because I am already there, and don’t need help on how to get there, I am outcasted and ridiculed. I am either the anomaly or a fraud; however I am not the real deal in self love, because well, I don’t look like what self-love is meant to look like. I am TOO confident, TOO good with my boundaries and TOO self involved. 

In this blog, I am addressing a small, overlooked issue that remains (to this day) overlooked because it seems insensitive to talk about it when clearly there are other people (the majority) on the opposite end of the spectrum who do not face this issue.

What is the issue?

The issue is that we have created a world to be in constant need of something and to deny the existence of those who have no need of anything. Specifically in the issue of unconditional love. 

See, I love myself unconditionally. What does that mean to me?

It means that no matter what I do or say or think, I still love me. I love me in spite of my faults, my glories, my weaknesses and my strengths.

I understand me and I know me. I know that despite what is exhibited on the outside, or what people’s perceptions are of me, they don’t know me like i know me. That’s why someone else cannot tell me MY truth or what I meant by what I did. That is their perception and they are entitled to it.

I love myself so hard that even when people tell me their perceptions of me and say it like it is fact not opinion, I don’t correct them, get defensive, attack or withdraw. I have enough love within me, that I can listen to what they say and still hold space for them and their opinions of me without feeling the need to respond.

When someone loves themselves unconditionally, they are afforded a freedom to live in the moments they create without guilt or regret over past mistakes or anxiety and restlessness about the future. They are able to navigate through life easily because they are peace with it all. Loving yourself affords you a freedom to be happy; despite what other people feel or think about you. It’s worth the isolation if anything!

So in realizing my super power (loving myself and accepting myself regardless of what the world thinks of me), I decided to share some tips if I may with you. Whether you are already in self love with yourself or asking that question, “How do I love myself?”, from my humble opinion here are some ideas to start with:

  1. Recognize that you are complete and whole already

In my opinion, the first step to self-love is realizing that there is nothing to fix or wrong with you. You are already there. Think of buying a fixer-upper first home. What are the feelings there? Excitement to own a home? Check. Excitement to renovate and recreate the original model to what you want? Check. Excitement of all the possibilities that will come by this purchase? Check.

The idea is that you are that original canvas sent from the master architect himself. You get to create the mural you want on it! However if you start off by denying the existence of the original architect, or doubting his work, or picking at perceived flaws with the canvas….then you are off to a rough start!

A better idea is to accept what is your canvas, what the master Architect has sent to you and create your mural as you wish. No doubting, wishing for something different or being critical. Instead be in a place of acceptance and love for what IS there as opposed to what isn’t. Get my drift? Self-love is about acceptance that you are quite perfect and stunning as you are, with no need to change, mimic or be someone else.

2. Choose your cheerleading squad carefully

As I have said before, I don’t give much thought to what people think about me. I am living this life for myself and by my terms. That being said, I tend not to associate with too many people. My acquaintances circle is large and my inner circle is a few I can count on one hand. I like it that way.

I once heard that Oprah is particular about what she hears, to the point when a car service picks her up, they are instructed not to engage in chit chat and not to play music. She doesn’t want to listen to the wrong stuff.

What is the wrong stuff? Gossip, slander, cursing, derogatory remarks. All these sounds can mess with your vibe, your vision, your flow. The same thing with having friends who cannot support you or stay in low vibe behavior.

“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people.”- Eleanor Roosevelt. 

I once had a friend tell me I changed friends as often as people changed underwear. Ok, she exaggerates but there is a kernel of truth in there. My truth is I can be the BEST of friends with people, but once it goes south for me, I am out!

Now some of you might think, “Oh Uma but that is such a lonely road!” Nope, nope, nope it is not. See I have friends since elementary school days that are healthy, positive, successful and thriving. They keep me entertained.

I have parents, siblings and a whole host of cousins and relatives that flood my life with positivity, happiness and joy. They keep me laughing.

I have an amazing partner who teaches me, learns from me and grows with me. He keeps me in love.

And finally, I have my kids who mentor me in the new ways of the new world from their perspective. They keep me inspired.

You can mourn the few you lost along the way or you can celebrate the hundreds who are still there, still positive and still rooting for you. Choose wisely!

3. Understand it is all just an opinion

One defining moment in my life is when I stood up to a bully a couple of years ago (yes I was an adult and bullied!). She was supposedly a friend in my life but her behavior and actions were anything but. She was always critical of me and my life and one day, I had enough and looked her square in the eye and said, “That sounds wonderful, but you know what? It is your opinion I should do it that way and I don’t want to do it that way because my opinion is to do it differently. Your Opinion is Valid BUT YOUR OPINION DOES NOT DEFINE MY REALITY.”

I think she was shook up by the yelling part but it was part frustration and part epiphany when I said it. It’s true! She had an opinion. It wasn’t God’s truth and she didn’t get divine wisdom from the heavens into my affairs. It was just her thought process based off of the way she does things and thinks about things. Its ok, but it’s not gold.

As you learn to see everyone as opinionated people, it helps you tremendously to ease off them and not take it too seriously what they say.

Even if their way saves you $2.34 or 4  minutes, who CARES? Is your aim to get to your grave on time and saving money? Of course not! Your aim is to live your life YOUR WAY and you get to choose whose opinion you take into consideration and whose you toss out with the trash. Either way, don’t feel guilty about it. Just do you.

I can keep writing on this topic because it is my cornerstone of my work. Living authentically, boldly and by my rules and my decisions is important. I hope that this blog touches at least someone in a positive way. What I really want to say to you, is that you are perfect just as you are, you are loved and you matter.

Love and Light until next time,

xo Uma

uab-web-3

Uma Alexandra Beepat is a Consciousness Speaker, Metaphysical Teacher, Intuitive Consultant and Psychic Mediumship Mentor. Uma owns four businesses, is a single mom to two pre-teen boys and lives life large!

To find out more about Uma, visit  http://www.umalotusflower.com

 

 

 

The Path of Least Resistance

sunrise behind tree

I listen to a lot of Abraham Hicks recordings on YouTube. I am a big fan of the Law of Attraction (LOA) and while there are many speakers on this topic, Esther Hicks just hits home with it for me.

It is not uncommon for me to include the requirement of listening to Hicks YouTube videos in my clients’ weekly homework. It is so helpful on so many levels. Many times my clients do not know who Abraham Hicks is, and well, if you are in this bracket, let me help a little.

Abraham is a group of beings not from this world who use Esther Hicks as a vessel to speak their messages. Esther acts like a channel by first relaxing and allowing the Beings who are collectively referred to as Abraham to speak through her. You can find hundreds of FREE YouTube videos on this phenomena like this one. The messages are always positive and filled with love and compassion for us earthly beings. I find myself soothed after listening to one of their fabulous channeled recordings.

 One of the teachings Abraham Hicks stresses about 80% of the time is taking the Path of Least Resistance. At first, I just liked hearing it and repeating it to myself because it sounded catchy. It made me sound smart and like I knew what I was talking about. However as I started delving deeper into the world of LOA, I kept bumping up against blocks while trying to manifest my goals in life. What the?!

I decided one day to really ponder on the concept. The Path of Least Resistance. What does that mean? Maybe some of you might get it right away but to this Capricorn, it sounded like Greek. I couldn’t understand. Until I did.

I had a situation come up with a friend that I could not avoid. I had a different point of view than this friend and unfortunately it was a strong difference in opinion. So strong that we could not continue on the same path because our points of views were so radically different.

It was at that point that I decided to try the Path of Least Resistance. I mean, I wasn’t about to change my mind, it felt right at the time for me to do what I was doing and for them, well they were just as stubborn about their view point as well. We were at an impass and only because of that, this stubborn Cappy decided to try a different route.

At first I just stopped resisting her. I would state my point clearly and then also clearly let her know I wasn’t going to change my mind so the ball is in her court as to what she wanted to do. Well, it would have been a good end to a movie if it just ended there, but of course it didn’t. It escalated and quickly.

This person who was so loving towards me turned harshly and took to social media to attack my personal life and my business. Ouch.

All of me wanted to fight back. To defend, to fight and mostly to win, but I kept remembering Abraham Hicks words, “You want to manifest your hearts desires? Take the Path of Least Resistance. What you resist, persists.”

So I didn’t do anything. I left it alone. I hurt silently in private and then put on a brave face when I went out in public and did the best to teach my classes and see my clients for services, but always with the burning, stinging words in my back. I felt less than, unappreciated and betrayed.

Eventually the former friend grew weary of attacking me and moved on to something or someone else, who knows because I was unfriended on FB which suited me well, because if it is one pet peeve of mine about Facebook is all the passive aggressive posts people put up. I mean just say what you mean and mean what you say already!

Well years passed and I all about forgot about this moment in history because like the LOA promised, things worked out in the end. My decision which I felt strongly about at the time panned out and my business grew by leaps and bounds, despite all the negative publicity (or maybe because of it) she brought to me. What was even more special was her reaching out to me after the fact and asking for us to have lunch and sit down and talk a bit. I was reluctant at first because I wasn’t sure who I was going to get but I trusted and went with best intentions.

It turned out to be a good lunch! She apologized for her behavior towards me and went into some personal details of what she was going through at the moment and how it just made me the punching bag. I was floored because of course, when you go through something like that, you tend to think its all your fault!

The thing that did change though was my reactions to these incidences. The Path of Least Resistance taught me several things which has helped me with my confidence, self-esteem and in maintaining my positivity:

1) You are a Shiny Mirror for others

Many times when people are REACTING to you, they are really reacting to some aspect within themselves they don’t like but are seeing quite clearly in you. I mean think about it. What could you possibly do that would be so devastating that they have to cut you out of their life? When you see people cut you out of their life or block you on Facebook, it is because they don’t want to SEE you…a.k.a they don’t want to SEE the parts of themselves reflected back.

SO if someone says you are bossy (true story), they are unhappy with the moments in their life when they are bossy and they feel bad about it. They want to change it but instead of analyzing their own behavior, they tend to look at what you are doing instead. It stings less. Didn’t Jesus say it best? Worry not about the speck in my eye but the log in your own?

What do you do then? You take the path of least resistance. You do nothing and let them act out. I have lived long enough to see people who made a great spectacle of themselves over MY actions or MY words, come back later in life and apologize. And you know what you do then? You stay humble and be in gratitude that they can accept responsibility for what they did because that speaks volumes to their character. The most enlightening beings will come back and apologize because they have no ego, they truly are concerned with their growth and making amends as they go along. Stand up people in my opinion.

2) Don’t Assume. It’s not Personal.

Even though the insults hurled at you may seem personal, it really isn’t. Hurt people hurt people and the harder the insults come at you, the more hurt they are in. I remember one time a looooooooong time ago when I was a young girl, full of emotion and passion, I had a screaming match with my boyfriend. I mean I was 16 and I was full of RAGE (God knows for what) and he was the one I was mad at so……..BLAST!

 It’s funny that I can’t remember all the details of this particular fight, it was so long ago but I will never forget how he reacted. He too was only 16, a boy really but so mature. He stood there for the longest time, silently and watched me; then when he found a break in my rampage, he just slowly walked towards me and hugged me. Well he timed that perfectly because I was so winded from all the yelling and screaming, I couldn’t do anything but collapse in his arms and cry. And he just held me. It was one of the most poignant and tender moments I have in this life that I like to reflect on. He would be a prime example of the Path of Least Resistance. He didn’t take it personally anything I said. He knew I was hurt and he knew I was lashing out and he was committed to hugging me and being there for me despite it all. Wow. Talk about a classy 16 year old!

If only we could all be that poised…..but actually, we can. I believe tolerance of other peoples’ actions or words is a muscle that needs to be built up. If you grew up in a home where kindness and virtue were extolled daily then you might have a weak tolerance muscle. If you grew up in a rougher neighborhood, you may have a strong tolerance muscle. But like anything else, you can build it.

NOW I am not saying just stick around and be a punching bag for other people. No way! You have to also have discernment about situations. If your partner is usually cool, calm and centered and one day they flip off and start dropping F bombs everywhere, you might want to take that opportunity to build your tolerance muscle. On the other hand, if the partner is constantly letting you down, hurting you emotionally or draining you, this is not the time ti build tolerance. It’s another muscle you need to work on and its called detachment.

 3) Focus your Energy Elsewhere

It takes a lot of energy to stay engaged with someone who dislikes you. It is exhausting running those mental processes of what you could,should and would have done in a different scenario. Stop. Haven’t you read #1 and #2? It’s never about you and it’s mostly their own issues they are addressing.

So that frees you up now…what will you do with your reclaimed energy? For me, whenever I am “under attack”, (remember this happens quite a few times a year, and I find the more popular my center grows, the more this happens on the regular), it is the perfect time to take a hiatus from social media. I would limit my social media time to just posting for my businesses and then be off as quickly as I got on. I would also increase my meditation time to tune out those pesky negative thoughts and stay in my vortex of happiness, peace and joy.

It becomes almost a game, where instead of playing to win, you are playing for peace. What can I do today to have the easiest and most peaceful day possible? You start to plan your route around people or things that can trigger you, and you know what? It works. You become so focused on your self happiness and ways to stay peaceful, that you almost forget there is someone out there who is unhappy with you. I heard a saying that I really loved that went something like this, “It doesn’t matter what other people think of me, it only matters what I think of myself.” Well I tend to think I am just the cat’s meow, so negativity be gone! There ain’t no place for you here!

 4) People will talk, let them.

I remember one time an ex-partner and I broke up romantically but remained friends. It’s not uncommon for me to do that, I mean, just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean I stopped liking or even loving the person, so why not stay friends? Well we were living in a small community at the time where everyone knew everyone. I remember he went to an event and these two nosy older ladies straight up asked him about our love life in front of everyone. He was a classy guy and he handled it well. He was able to answer their questions to tell them what they needed to hear without betraying our connection.

I remember when he told me I was so enraged. I mean what business is it of theirs? What did our love life have to do with the event anyways? But I did as my partner suggested and let it go. At first I let it go more for him because he was such a stand up guy but then I saw the reason in it. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do…people will always have some opinion about it.

You have to learn to take the path of least resistance and walk away from the drama without engaging. What happens when you do engage? It gets worse. Because that’s what unhappy people want. A reason to feel alive, a reason to DO something, a reason to fight for something because they can’t or won’t fight for their own self improvement. Ouch. I know it sounds harsh but trust me, I have seen enough of these depressing people in my life, and they all have a common thread which is unhappiness within themselves.

Now when I see other people nosy about other peoples’ businesses, I instantly recognize the core issue. They feel unloved or unworthy within themselves and feel the need to put down someone else to feel a little better. There is no helping these people because unless they accept responsibility for what they do, it wouldn’t change; so why even bother? I have learned to let people have the last say…not because I can’t debate them, but I just don’t have the energy or interest to. That revelation brought me so much joy and peace, it made the path of least resistance more irresistible.

I am aware that for letting go or taking the path of least resistance is either an entirely new concept or something you have dabbled with. My advice? Take it slow, do what you can and be easy on yourself. In the beginning if the path of least resistance is just you focusing on your breathing to feel better, then do that. In time, it will build to bigger and bigger steps to the point, you are completely not engaging and it becomes second nature.

Now isn’t that a nice concept? To live your life independently of others and be free.  What a beautiful world that would be if we all could. Until next time, stay in your Vortex and always be full of love and light,

xo Uma

The Birth of Awareness

23551238_10156769430569638_3347145534977109946_o

Ever since I was a little girl I was chastised for the wrongness of me. At first I was confused. What do you mean I laugh too loud? What does it mean that I am too curvy for a 10 year old? Why do you want to tame my long, unruly hair and put me in dresses when I rather climb a tree and play football with my brother and his friends?

Eventually the confusion gave way to anger. I became angry and stayed angry for a very long time. Anytime I felt the judging comments or looks coming my way, I would block it off at the start with my own growl or piercing stare. I learned from an early age how to shut down opposition fast.

There is a right and a wrong, good and bad to this though. While I learned how to love myself unconditionally, I also avoided constructive criticism that came my way from well meaning friends, boyfriends and family members. I couldn’t take it as constructive, I was too burnt from the years of oppressive comments that burned me to my core. I was angry and if you were not in agreement with me, you were against me. And all of Uma, couldn’t have that.

 Fast forward to last year which I lovingly refer to as my “Dark Year of the Soul” and those unhealthy behaviors came full force. My anger cost me my relationship, friendships and created stress and strife in my life. I was not feeling the Zen I was promised from being on the Spiritual path.

I knew I desired change but I didn’t know how to go about getting it. Abraham Hicks says all of your reality is your manifestation and everyone and everything in it is there to serve you, as it is about you, and for you because it is created by you. I like to use the terminology of a sandbox. When we are born, we are born into our own sandboxes. As we go through life, we invite people into our sandbox to play with us. Some stay awhile, some come and go and come back again and some come in quickly and never return again. Sometimes we leave our sandbox to go meddle in other people’s sandboxes, and that is ok. It’s all a circle of life. A circle of sandboxes.

I believe what happened last year followed this concept and the Law of Attraction. Me, the UMA that was born on this Earth Planet many years ago knew she was wanted to uplevel and be there before she turned 40. The UMA wanted to work on those few bothersome things that were still affecting her on a personal and emotional level, and take it a higher level. So the UMA invited in the contrast.

Abraham Hicks talks about the need of human beings to invite in contrast for them to transform. Contrast is all the yucky things- drama, strife, struggle, pain and suffering. At this moment in time, we cannot ascend or transform without the contrast, so according to their teachings, it is a beautiful thing when the contrast comes because it signifies growth.

There was a lot of strife and struggle last year with business as I created another two businesses in addition to the two I already owned. My health and weight was not in the best place and these things were affecting me and therefore leaking into my relationship with my soulmate. Eventually it led to our downfall and for his own safety (and sanity) he had to lovingly walk away from our relationship. That was the last straw and I broke.

In true Uma style, I didn’t break halfway or a little bit or one piece at a time, I broke completely. It was a breaking of my self. It was the beginning of my death.

I remember reading Eckhart Tolle’s work awhile back, “The Power of Now” where he talked about being suicidal because he was tired of being him. He reached the point where he thought about suicide and was seriously contemplating it and it was that one night, he experienced as he called it, the death of the Ego.

As Eckhart was muling over the thoughts in his head, “I can’t stand myself”, he realized there were two voices. The “I” and the “myself”. So which one was he? He was identifying himself all the time in his thoughts and he wanted to know, who was this person speaking? From that first question, he gained an incredible amount of clarity and awareness and it changed his life to take him to the level of success he is at now.

Some call this other voice a monitor, some call it the Voice of Reason, some say Higher Self or our Inner Being. It doesn’t matter, the understanding is the same in that we are always accessible to a higher version of ourselves, and that higher version usually comes out in times of strife.

Last summer, I had a breakdown myself like Eckhart and contemplated dark thoughts. It was a dark moment where I wasn’t sure which way to proceed. It felt like all of life was failing me. My businesses were becoming increasingly difficult to handle, I felt betrayed by the disappearance of my soulmate, my kids were gone for the whole summer and I was all alone in my house with my thoughts. Yup, I was ready to check out feeling sorry for myself.

I remember one painful night very well. I drank a lot because I was trying to numb the pain of feeling alone, overwhelmed, fearful, scared, depressed and like a failure. I was in and out of consciousness and I faintly remember crying and talking to a friend about how this was all too much and I was overwhelmed. I went to bed feeling defeated and begging the Universe for another way.

I can’t remember exactly how the turn around came and I wish I did so I could share it truthfully here. What I do know, is that blessedly it came. I just woke up (literally) the next morning and I felt….lighter. Something was lifted and something was no longer there but I didn’t know what. It didn’t matter though, I felt so good, I got up and did my morning spiritual practice, something I haven’t done in a long time. And then I decided I wanted to live. Not just live day to day but truly live. I wanted to experience this life and expand my experiences as much as possible outside my previous circle of pain. I felt I could do it and I wasted no time getting to work.

I planned a girls trip to Mexico. I wanted to do one of my first loves, which is traveling. I also have a hobby of visiting ancient wonders of the world so Chichen Itza was on my list. In going to Mexico, the visit to the famous ruins wasn’t my high point. The high point of that trip was jumping into a cenote (an underground sinkhole) and swimming in the cool waters.

There were two ways to get into the cenote, either jump into the dark lagoon trusting there is no mythical water dragon there to eat you up or you can take the ladder down. I remember standing there with Julie and we were both contemplating it. It felt important somehow, me taking this jump, like it was representing something more than what it was.

As I stood there, I realized, “Uma this is what you do. You weigh the pros and cons of everything as life is passing you by. No more! trust your intuition and the vibration of the moment and go for it if it feels right.” I stopped thinking and jumped into the cool dark waters. As I sank lower and lower and lower, I let go. It was only a couple of seconds but it felt like a lifetime going down in that water. I kept falling and it felt good. It felt free.

As I rose to the surface of the water, I felt all the heaviness of my problems stay behind in that cenote and I came up lighter, happier and free. I laughed out loud uncontrollably and was crying but no one could tell because I was swimming in a cenote, where there were tons of people, lots of whooping and yelling and my uncontrollable laughter and tears were part of the mayhem. I felt like me again.

Not me prior to my relationship or my business, big things that were part of my identity for such a long time. I remember specifically feeling like I was when I was 12 years old. I felt sassy and happy and content with who I was. I felt fearless and adventurous and always up for a good time. I felt joy.

When we returned from Mexico, I jumped into life. I took a spontaneous trip to Florida to see my babies and hang out with my brother, talking about life on a beach in Fort Lauderdale and just being in the moment. I went to a concert with friends high on life and heard my favorite all time song live. And met some interesting people that taught me some interesting things. I took another spontaneous trip to Florida to be in an advanced mediumship workshop with John Holland and met an incredible group of people and fell in love with the most beautiful Gypsy man I ever met. We became friends but knew we lived this life together before.

In living for myself and with myself, I became increasingly aware of what this life was like and what it was about for all of us. I developed compassion for myself and all beings. I stopped looking through the lens of hate, anger, fear, blame, shame, regret, doubt and all the other distractor implants we have to distract us from just loving and being love. I became love.

Now this love I was experiencing and being, was my version of expression of love. So sometimes I can say this and some people go “huh?” Uma is NOT what I would think of as love and light, and you know what? You are damn right. I am not.

 My expression of love is trust and allowance. My definition of trust is in alignment with the Access Consciousness founder Gary Douglas’s definition which states, “Trust is not about trusting in someone or in self, it is about trusting that person will act exactly how you know them to act given their circumstances and their thought processes.” I became clear in my perception. I became aware.

In trusting that people were going to do certain things based on what they know to do, I relaxed and allowed. I held no judgment and I stayed in my sandbox.

People noticed a change in me over this summer. To some, they couldn’t understand me. Like literally. We would have conversations and they would look at me and say, “I can’t understand what you are saying.” And this is the second part of my love coming in. I allowed. I was doing and saying things outside of the comprehension of many and they couldn’t grasp what I was doing. For some, they were aware enough to know that something else was at play here so they accepted and allowed and some turned to judgment. It was all okay.

Some went further and accused me of ridiculing them and being mean so I got blocked and unfriended on FB. I was accused for being a “fake spiritual teacher” and I got ridiculed for being an emotional being. However none of these things triggered me. I didn’t feel dejected or rejected. The anger did not come nor did the pettiness, because I was just so keenly aware of what was happening and sometimes even on a cellular level. This is how I knew I gained enlightenment. Life was still happening all around me and to me but I did not have a charge, an emotional charge about it. I was in a state of continual perception.

The best part of this enlightenment happened in my workplace. I took this awareness into my work, and I spoke to bodies that were sick and dying and brought them back to functioning. Law of Attraction brought me terminally ill clients, more so than I have seen in years. Last year became the year I stopped being a massage therapist and the majority of my sessions were either on the phone or in person and talking. No touch, just talking BUT people were leaving healed. Lighter, free and more aware. I am grateful for this shift that has profoundly helped me and helped others.

It’s not miracle work, its awareness. When you gain awareness, you know what you need to say to everyone and everything to make it work again. And making it work again, work the way it was intended to work, that was my way of expressing love in this community.

So what was the point of this blog? The moral of the story? Step into the pain. Go into it willingly. Embrace it if you must because eventually, one painful day or night, it will lead to the death of the ego and in doing so, the birth of awareness can happen.

I am not saying I am perfect now. Hardly. I am however more aware of where I still have work to do and what I can work on and what needs to be left alone until another time. When I do make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally, I am quick to apologize. I am even quicker to listen and slower to defend. I am learning to accept that people will do what they need to do to comfort themselves without regard for others because truly, they have to take care of themselves.

I am also learning when to offer help and when to step back. I recently tried to help someone close to my heart but they responded with such anger and hate towards me, I stepped back immediately and stayed in a place of allowance and love for the person. This particular person and I had a torrid past and they clearly were still hurting from my past actions. It is because of their hurt, I wanted to help, especially because I created the hurt in the first place but they said something that added to my awareness. “I am not ready”. I agreed and stepped back. I love this person for honoring where they are at and not judging themselves for still holding on to the anger. This is the version of super human I intend to be myself. To be ok with all the feelings and accepting of them all.

I see what people are doing, and I am seeing it clearly because I have no judgment into what they are doing. I want to help. Its part of my soul contract why I came here.

So in closing, ask yourself  if you are in the middle of depth and despair. And if you are, be honest and ask yourself, are you running from it? If a yes comes up, how about trying something different? How about leaning into it as Pema Chodron would say, or just letting go and allowing it? Maybe you will experience the great death I did and begin to feel the free-ness of being you and being aware. It is something I wish for everyone. Awareness without Judgment. It’s a beautiful thing.

 Love and Light,

xo Uma

He who barks the loudest

One time while visiting my partner, I was greeted by loud barking as I pulled up in his driveway. Now I knew this wasn’t Silas! A friendly and warm Great Pyrenees who could not hurt a fly!

I was right, it wasn’t this sweet gentle giant but another dog half the size of Silas but with much more of a bark! My partner was babysitting another dog, Carter while his owner was away at the beach. This dog is nothing like Silas. He is half the size of Silas but louder and more barky. When I walked into the house Silas greeted me warmly as he usually does but Carter was growling and barking in a very loud tone that was mean and menacing. I was terrified LOL.

After Carter settled down and sat quietly in the corner, I decided to go and be kind and pet him. It was a nice thought but the minute I tried to touch Carter he bared his teeth turned around and snapped at me! Thank God I have lightening quick reflexes! I recoiled my hand in horror and retreated quickly to the safety of the corner of the room.

After Carter attempted to bite me, he went to the closet and got his stuffed animal and then went under the desk and hid underneath my partner’s legs. I was completely perplexed by this seemingly aggressive yet vulnerable creature, what gives?

 Well I later found out that Carter was an abandoned dog and because of his abandonment and hurt inflicted by the family who previously owned him, he had developed trust issues with humans. He wasn’t treated very kindly by the family before and there was a lot of pain and suffering still rampant in him.

 Ahhhh, it makes sense and I could see that now. As I thought about this dog, I thought to myself….how many people are like this dog? We have heard the term before right? “Hurt people hurt people”…..its akin to a barking dog. Sometimes the dog that barks the loudest…is the most hurt dog of all.

No there is another type of barking dog that demonstrates hurt and pain. The dog that is constantly barking…and that is the one I want to talk about today.

See aside from Carter’s growling and attacking anyone who comes close to him (outside of his inner circle), he is also constantly barking. And in hearing that, we can relate it back to people we also know in life who are constantly talking about themselves right? Ahhh now you get it.

As a teacher and mentor at Lotus Wellness Center, I frequently have one or two students who disrupt class flow with their personal stories, oversharing or wanting to discuss their own issues in class. For many students it is annoying and I frequently get a stern talking to from students after class either in person or through email.

 “Uma you need to be a better moderator in class. I didn’t come here to listen to someone else talk about their issues.”

“Uma I am paying for class to hear you speak!”

“Uma you need to talk to her and put her in her place. Why does she take up so much time in class talking about her stuff?”

Thankfully I managed to find a common ground between my need to let these people speak and also respect class time so we don’t run over or miss anything I actually have to teach on.

You are probably wondering at this point, but why Uma? why even allow them the chance to divert class attention? Because like Carter, the people who bark the loudest need the most attention and compassion.

See I realized a long time ago that people who take up class time discussing their life or struggles or accomplishments, just needed a place to talk….because more than likely they don’t have the support system in their own lives where they either are appreciated or honored for their gifts and achievements. In worst case scenarios, they may be in unhealthy relationships or surroundings where not only are they not recognized, but they are also criticized for every little thing they do. What a life to be in!

 I mean think about it, why would people want to willingly talk about themselves, share personal information or ‘brag’ about their accomplishments? What are they seeking?

Of course the first things that come to mind are fame, recognition and accolades. Yes that is true, but dig deeper. Why would someone want recognition or praise? Many reasons can come up but for me the most pressing ones are: Validation, Approval and Love.

 I had a friend who would constantly talk about her achievements to me and I would always respond with support and enthusiasm. Later on she confided in me that she frequently turned to me to talk about her accomplishments because she couldn’t do it with people in her inner circle as they would be negative or condescending. How tragic!

 Sometimes when people talk about their accomplishments in life, we tend to feel like they are showing off or bragging, so we develop hurt feelings or feel like they are trying to put us down. Maybe some people are truly like that (pray for them!) but for the most part, people just want to celebrate a job well done and receive validation for that.

 Can you give them the validation and approval they are seeking?

Test it out in your own life. I am sure you have someone like this you know. An over talker, or over sharer that you maybe see in social settings, business meetings or even family gatherings. Wherever you see them, practice being mindful, develop compassion and if you can, hold space. Everyone needs love and attention, and if they cant get it at home, where else do they turn to? Which ever social situation where they feel accepted and safe. It is a compliment really to you…that someone feels safe enough to share what they feel or do. See the compliment behind the actions and respond by showing up and being supportive. I guarantee it will change the lens on your world view.

In closing, I want to address the people that read this blog and identify themselves as this kind of person. I know you are reading and probably thinking, “Oh my God this is me! Is this how people view me? as a nuisance and disruptive?” but I ask you not to berate yourself or feel shame or pity. Remember that we are ALL working on something or some aspect of ourselves that we are seeking to change. Today the focus is on you, but tomorrow the focus will be on someone else. There is no shame in learning, processing and growing, there is only encouragement and support.

The next time you feel the need to overshare or take up someone else’s time and feel it is inappropriate, ask yourself, “What am I seeking by sharing this story with the group?”

“How can I share the group so the focus is on the topic and not on me?”

And if you are really truthful with yourself, allow the question to come up, “Why do I need others approval and I can’t develop it for myself?” In that question alone, you will be amazed at what comes up and the growth that can develop for it.

 love and light,

xo Uma

5 Tips to a Mature Breakup

breakup-reasons-for-relationships_0

A few months ago I experienced yet another breakup in my life. You would think I would be safe from this trauma/drama in making it to my 40s, but no life has other plans for me. Including heartache and despair.

The breakup I am referring to is one with a close friend of mine and not a boyfriend. It seems I have a lot more breakups with friends these days and I guess I should be thankful that it is not intimate love related, but still it hurts. It hurts just as bad.

However in this story, there is a silver lining. In fact the silver lining is so shiny, it just damn well blots out the entire dark cloud. Why? Because despite the breakup, my friend and I were able to leave on amicable terms and I thought that was pretty amazing.

I am pretty sure there are many people who face the same situations I face on a daily basis. However no one is talking about it or they are suffering quietly about it. No need! There IS a way to end a friendship/relationship when the time is up and there really doesn’t need to be any struggle.

Here are five simple tips to achieve the breakup of your dreams (seriously) so you can walk away feeling lighter and free:

  1. There is no Right or Wrong, Good or Bad. It just is. 

My friend and I had a good run in our friendship for a couple of years but with the start of 2018, we both knew the change was coming. We weren’t sure what was about to happen but we knew instinctively that things were about to change and we needed to proceed with caution.

As the months progressed, it became evident that the change was about US. We no longer could be in each others’ lives the way we had been. Life was pulling us in different directions. I am a middle aged mom to two young boys, in a committed relationship and working full time in my three businesses. To protect her privacy and identity, I wouldn’t describe her situation but let’s just say, it was different from mine. And the differences were becoming increasingly more obvious as the months wore on. What drew us together in the first place was now vanishing quickly and we were clasping at straws desperate to save our friendship.

When our breakup finally happened, I am relieved to share that neither of us thought bad things of the other. In fact it’s the opposite! We layered praise upon praise to each other in our last breakup communication to the point where it was comical! I laughed a little, imagining someone reading our texts and thinking in a thought bubble, “Are they breaking up or making up? I can’t tell!”.

But it wasn’t for show either. We meant it. We meant every word we said when we said we enjoyed our friendship and our memories would be kept close to our hearts.

When you breakup with someone, more often than not, it is because life pulls you apart not because you stop loving that person. The love is still there but it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. So you end amicably and don’t point fingers. No one has to be the bad guy and for that, I am thankful to her for not making me out to be one.

2) Be Honest and Communicate

When we hit a rough patch we did the worst thing we could do. We holed up in our respective corners and avoided each other like the plague. Great. Of course it didn’t solve anything and it only made the confusion and discomfort worse.

When we finally decided to come out of our shells and talk about it, we felt immediate relief and peace restored! We were both feeling the same way but out of love and respect for each other, we didn’t want to say anything! We didn’t want to hurt each others’ feelings. Aww.

In finally communicating our personal truths, we realized just how much we had drifted from each other and how we could not fulfill each other needs list anymore. It made the breakup much more easier as we realized it wasn’t personal.

Sometimes when we go through things, we can only see it from our vantage point. When you communicate with someone, you can learn how they see it too and most times, its not the way you see it. It’s a valuable learning lesson that has helped soften the blow of a breakup and helped me to see things from someone else’s perspective. A game changer so to say.

3) Be Open and Be Vulnerable 

While communication is key to having a successful breakup, it cannot happen this way if guards are up and barriers surround each person. Space needs to be created for open and honest communication where each person is wiling to be vulnerable to share how they are feeling.

Rough stuff! I decided in the conversation to be the first one to open up and talk about how I was feeling. My vulnerability caused her to let her guard down and speak truthfully about what I did that hurt her for which I apologized. She too apologized for things she did that hurt me and was clear to let me know that she didn’t mean to ever hurt me. It was one of the most profoundly touching moments in my life. Two women, speaking from their heart with care and concern for the other. Powerful.

Hurt people hurt people. When you want to end a relationship with someone, attacking them will not make it an easy process. Instead of pointing fingers to the person and playing the “blame game” try speaking only to your hurts, feelings and emotions. Let them SEE you and what you are going through. Chances are, your vulnerability will cause them to be kind to you and also be honest.

4) State Clearly the Goals and Objectives
Sometimes the end of a relationship feels ominous. No one discusses what the actual outcome will look like or feel like, so then situations come up where you run into them at the local coffee shop and everyone feels awkward and out of place. Reminds me of my first school dance. Awkward.

When we ended, we noted that due to business relations we would still see each other from time to time and we were both ok with that. By acknowledging the social/work/family obligations you have with them, it makes it less awkward when you do see them at these social events.

I also stated my objectives for the breakup because really, what kind of b***h would I be if I just broke up friendships for fun? There were specific reasons for this breakup with the most noticeable one being that I was holding my friend back. She is meant for great things and in her need to help me with my businesses and my dreams, I saw too clearly she was sacrificing her own. She needed to go, even if I had to kick her out, she needed it because she deserved so much better than what I could offer her.

In being that open and honest in communication about my objectives, it brought her alot of relief and happiness. I could FEEL her exhale and feel better within herself. At the end of the day, a breakup is rejection and no one likes to feel rejected. Once she realized that I wasn’t rejecting her or her friendship but actually supporting her in achieving her goals and dreams, she felt so much better. And you know what? That made me immensely happy! Like I said earlier, there is no good guy or bad guy here. We are all just walking each other home, and sometimes we chose not to walk together.

5) Still be their Cheerleader 

After all the heart wrenching talk, it was time to bring the conversation to a close and I could feel the sadness from her as I did from me. I vowed to myself to still be on the sidelines cheering her on because truthfully, there is no ill will here. She is a great person and I was so lucky to have her in my life for the time that I did. I was blessed.

The next day I woke up and sent her a motivational FB meme in a private chat. I wanted her to smile and know that I still believed in her. Even though our lives are taking us in different directions, it doesn’t mean I will stop caring or loving her. I truly will continue to do so, as I know she will for me. It’s just not in the cards for us at this time.

In the end, we never really know what’s to come in our lives. Sometimes people circle back into our lives and sometimes they came for a season and left when it was over. Despite the differences, if you chose to have a mature breakup, then you create a world of love and care, connections and possibilities. Just thinking of those things make me feel joyful, light and peaceful. I think everyone deserves to feel this way, don’t you?

Here’s to happy endings (smile) and joyful beginnings. May we know them, have them and be open to receiving them.

In love and light,

Uma

 

 

Getting through a Psychic Attack

psychic-attack

What exactly is a psychic attack? 

It is an occurrence that happens to you without your consent and meant to bring harm directly or indirectly to you. From what I have learned, there are two types of psychic attacks out there:

 1) Intentional/Direct attack:

This is the attack we dread. Someone intentionally sends bad energy, thought forms, words or actions in your direction. Ooooohhh it gives me the creepy crawlies to just think about it! I mean, you got to be a very unhappy or vengeful person to intentionally want to harm someone right? I shudder to think that there are people out there in the world like this, but hey, we turn on the news everyday and witness it on a physical plane (mass murders, suicide bombers etc..) so why should it be so hard to believe there are people who would do bad to someone on an energetic plane?

 This kind of attack is not limited to witches. Yes there are absolutely witches who can cast spells or perform voodoo on others to create a psychic attack either for personal or financial reasons (paid to do this work) but the majority of intentional psychic attacks come from regular people. It is so easy these days to google stuff. Your boyfriend broke up with you? No problem, find a bonding spell out there and cast it. Because your intention is strong, it will most likely work. The thing to note here is that while you may have your short term gift received in him coming back to you, it will most likely not last long term (he has free will) and also the Universe is taking notes. Nothing ever happens without retribution. This is what we call karma.

 I remember I had a young male client come in to see me for energy work. In receiving his weekly treatments, he felt comfortable to open up and share about his life. He said he was a wizard and worked with black magic. I told him good for him and to be careful because karma is in full effect, what you put out there, you get back. He didn’t listen to me and continued on his path.  I heard from him months later and was sorry to hear that life had crumbled around him. He was in a stressful situation and he couldn’t even afford to book a session with me and asked if I could just give him some free advice. I said sure, stop dabbling in black magic, pray for help and trust and wait on God to provide. I don’t think it was what he wanted to hear as he never called back but you know that is really the best advice I could give.

 2) Unintentional/Indirect attack:

 The majority of psychic attacks fall under this category. It is made up of regular people not getting their way and being immature about it.

 Think about a time when someone really hurt you emotionally. Yes absolutely, think of a breakup or a falling out with someone close to you. If you have ever uttered one or more of these phrases, then chances are you sent a indirect attack to another person:

– Oh she makes me so mad, I wish she would get what’s coming to her!

– He broke up with me, fine, I wish his life is miserable without me

– I can’t stand to see her with someone else. I hope she dates a loser worse than me.

– I wish a car would run her over and just end her life!

Sounds creepy right? Even now reading it, I bet you are going “Oh I would never say that!” Honey, of course you would. When people are mad, they say the craziest things. This is why in spiritual communities, we talk about being careful with our words. Our words have vibrations attach to them and when we send it out, it has the possibility of manifesting especially if you have the right combination of:

– The sender has a high frequency/vibration and a strong emotional charge about the matter

-The receiver is weaker and worn down therefore their psychic defense system is lacking

Clearly those two people sound like the aftermath of a breakup, right? One is stronger and one is worn down and most times is the strong person sending the attack.

It is easy to fall in this category and this is why it is important to be super vigilant about your words and thoughts. A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about a situation between myself and my boyfriend at that time. We had a troubling argument that ended with him hanging up the phone on me. OOOOHHH I was livid! I called him back and told him, “Fine! Have it your way, we are done and I hope your life is s**t without me!”

Well weeks later when we reconciled and talked (with cooler tones) he brought it up and said that day was the worst day for him! After he got off the phone with me, he was racing to work because he was late and he got pulled over and got a speeding ticket. He got to work and then his supervisor docked him for being late and he was suspended for three days without pay AND when he went back to his car, he had a flat tire! OMG I felt horrible! I had noooo idea because I definitely didn’t want any of those things to happen to him! So ever since then, I am VERY mindful of my words and even when I am in a heated discussion, I am sure to wish the person love and light. It may be through gritted teeth, but hey! I said it right?

 SO now that you know about the different types of psychic attacks, you need to know what to expect when under an attack. There are definite signs and you have to be able to tell if this is indeed from an attack or just having a crap day or week.

 Symptoms of a Psychic Attack:

– Anger and Irritability

– Anxiety and Restlessness

– Sleeplessness/Insomnia

– Losing appetite/not eating

– Plants dying

– Dead insects around the house

– Miscommunication and frequent quarrels with the loved one in question

– Heart racing or chest pains

– Headache or pressure in the head region

– Stomachache or feelings of nausea

– Feeling lost, confused or disoriented

– Feelings of sadness or being under a heavy weight

The thing to keep in mind is this: these symptoms have to come out of nowhere. If you experience these symptoms on a regular basis, then that points to something deeper and you should not be reading this article but seeking medical attention from trained professionals who know how to respond to these symptoms!

One time I was under a psychic attack, I had no idea and it was a very strange situation for me. I am sharing it here in hopes that someone can learn from my situation and in case it happens to them, they will have an idea of what to do!

During that week I was out of it. So much so, my students were worried because I was not my usual self. I had a lot of anxiety and I felt like throwing up. My heart was racing and I couldn’t concentrate, I felt all over the place. What was going on?!

It was on a Saturday when I finished teaching my last class and after the last student left, I went out to my deck to go and sit in the Sun. I prayed and asked for guidance. I was led to create a Reiki ball and infuse it into my solar plexus region. I did it and felt a little calmer. With this tiny bit of calmness I was given the message to call my spiritual advisor.

 I couldn’t get a hold of my go to advisor so I did some research to find someone else. I was drawn to this woman who did tarot readings and I called her to see if she could help me. I had to think about what to ask because I was in such a cloud of confusion, I didn’t know where to begin…but as soon as spoke to me, she went right to my relationship with my partner. I thought that was uncanny for her to do as at that time our relationship had volatility and we were arguing a lot. She said he was under a psychic attack from someone from his past and it is affecting me too. Wow, this was validation because my partner had told me just days ago he felt a psychic attack around him when he was doing his energy work on himself. Amazing.

After talking to the reader, I alerted my partner to his accuracy in picking up on it and then I went to work on myself. Here’s some things I did:

Defending yourself in an attack:

1) Warm bath with Epsom Salts:

I immediately went to the bathroom after the reading, put a mix of epsom salts and lavender in the bathwater and sat in it. I made sure my toes and fingers were submerged so as the bonds began to break up, they could leave through my extremities. I sat in the water for about 10-15 minutes, until I felt calm and peaceful. Afterwards, I let the water out and then took a shower to wash off all remaining traces of negativity.

 2) Prayer, Affirmations And Intentions:

While I was sitting in the tub, I prayed the Lord’s Prayer first then I prayed my own prayer of protection and removal of curses/attacks and then I went on YouTube and found another prayer to remove curses. I ended all prayers by saying, “I send back this curse to whence it came sevenfold.”

See even though my reader named the person sending the attack, I did not name them. Why? Because it is not 100% known. What if, this person did not send it? Then you would be directing negative energy sevenfold back to them! That is some karma you have to deal with later on! It is best to say “whence it came” so it correctly goes back to its rightful owner.

3) Saran Wrap the Belly! 

This sounds weird I know but it is an old belief that power comes in and goes out from your solar plexus which is the midpoint of your upper part of your stomach. So when you wrap it in plastic you are not allowing your energy to go out or new energy to come in. Also if you couple this with the statement above, then you are removing the block and sending it back to its rightful owner.

 4) Protection Stones and Crystals 

The usual protection stones to have are the ones related to the root chakra meant for grounding and protection. These are generally black stones such as hematite, onyx and tourmaline but can also include tiger’s eye  and obsidian.

I took three grounding stones and placed them over my solar plexus under the wrap and slept with them that way. I also laid out crystals on the bed to my right side, I included rose quartz, clear quartz, amethyst and tiger’s eye.

Aside from doing these things you can carry the stones around in your pocket and it is said to block an attack, carry it on your left side because that is where attacks come in from. You can also wear the stones in jewelry around your neck, wrist, fingers or ankles.

 5) Aromatherapy 

I have a diffuser in my room and I put in a blend of oils known for their spiritual protection and grounding properties. The oils I used were frankincense, cedarwood, sandalwood and clary sage. (need oils? buy quality oils here)

6) Chakra Clearing and Reiki

At this point I have spent two hours of protective rituals so now I am sleepy…which is a good sign because remember I haven’t slept in a week due to the insomnia! I took a selenite wand and went through each chakra clearing them using intent and Reiki and by the time I got to my root, I was so exhausted I knocked out. I woke up eight hours later feeling so refreshed, peaceful and calm. Wow an experience.

So whatever you are going through, take some time to process and tap into the universal consciousness to read your situation (like I did sitting in the sun and connecting in). Once you get directed into what you need to do, don’t be lazy! Get up and do it! And always, always have faith and trust that you will be taken care of no matter what.

 love and light,

Uma

Revisiting our old wounds

broken heart

HI there! Uma here on this wet and cold, dreary day. What happened to Spring?! Forecast tells us that the DMV area is in for a wet and soggy weekend with large chances of rain and flooding. Wow!

As I sit patiently waiting for the Spring/Summer weather to kick in, it became apparent to me how life imitates art and vice versa. Just when I thought I was nearing the end of the cold/wet season of Winter, the old season gives it one last hurray. Life imitating art. How many of us can relate to this in our personal lives? Just when we thought we completed a cycle, the wheel turned again and we found ourselves embroiled in past traumas yet again.

I once read Sonia Choquette’s book, “Walking Home: A Pilgrimage from Humbled to Healed.” It talks about the month long walk she took across the legendary Camino de Santiago, an 820 kilometer trek across Spain. I was fascinated about everything she encountered on her walk both in the outer world and her inner self. She was fighting herself as she walked, discarding old thoughts and belief patterns that no longer served her, working through pain and heartache and I was rooting for her! As the chapters wore down and I saw the pages lessening, I knew we both were going to come out of this experience ok, wiser and more grateful. HOWEVER! Three chapters (three more walks to the end) in she encounters a situation with some of her new friends she made on the path and a lot of old feelings and behaviors came into full effect. Even though it was more the other people’s actions and not hers, she was still affected by it. SAY WHAT?! I felt like saying, “Sonia we just spent a month walking the trail and letting everything go, why is this happening NOW?”

 Enter consciousness. Because this is the way life is.  We by nature, are a species that is constantly looking for ways to evolve. It is innate within us to want to do better, be better and live better. As we seek different avenues from where we were, in the process of getting to where we want to be, we will encounter difficulties. And this is what separates the men from the boys, as they say.

 Your old paradigms are the ways you use to be and the ways you use to think. Don’t be hard about it or disown it! It served its purpose at that time. I love it when people who have known me a long time try to give me a compliment about my “new” life and in doing so, they feel the need to put down my “old” life.

“Remember when you were a stuck up snob?”

“Remember when you were an angry girl?”

“Remember when you were mean and uncaring?”

I know their hearts are in the right place, and in their effort to compliment me now on all the lifestyle changes I have made, they wanted something to contrast it to. I get it, but here’s the thing. I am not sorry.

Due to life and my own reasons, I was absolutely a stuck up, angry and uncaring person. Look out for my autobiography, I go more into detail about it then! And at that time, that behavior and presence was needed. At that time. Now, I am in a different environment, one which allows me to authentically be myself and there is no need to defend myself or actions, so I can relax and be more comfortable in my skin. Sounds familiar?

 Don’t be ashamed of who you use to be before you found your spirituality, your peace, your Zen zone. You were that way because you had to be. Now you can afford to be something else, why? Because you are evolving.

However just because you have decided to do something better for yourself, doesn’t mean the world is ready to let go of its hold of you. It will make any attempt necessary to keep you in the illusion that this reality had over you. Don’t fall for it.

When you are making the most progress, expect things to take a turn for the worse. This is natural and by no means, is it meant to stop you. It is meant as a challenge for you to surpass, to have and claim victory over. You can do it, you know why? Because many of us do and this isn’t your first rodeo. Last time I checked, you passed all challenges 100% of the time and you are still here.

When you look at famous and successful people like Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein, they all have something in common. They hit many obstacles along the way but they refused to give up. They didn’t have the mindset that obstacles are real or permanent. They may have slowed down or diverted from the path, but they kept going nevertheless.

It is always darkest before the dawn, may be more a motivational metaphor than an actual scientific fact but i like it because in life it has been proven true. Whenever I hit a speed bump, and it seems like everything is falling apart around me, that is the time I am filled with elation because I know that bright sky is coming and it wouldn’t be too much longer now.

If you find yourself in a dark phase right now, hold on tight because your blessings are right around the corner. Trust and Believe and watch the miracles light up your night sky.

 Until next time, love and light always

Uma

Breaking up with Crystals

rose quartz

It happened again! My beautiful rose quartz crystal broke. As it fell to the ground this morning shattering one piece off of its perfectly sculpted merkaba design, I felt my heart shatter with it too. This is the fourth rose quartz that has broken in my vicinity and today, only today I understand there is a message for me in it.

 The first time I cannot remember the timeline but it was between 2013-2014. I visited India in March 2012 and bought beautiful rose quartz mala beads. Oh how I loved it! It was so beautiful and polished and felt so loving in my fingers. I would wear that particular set more for show and less for chanting as I used my rudraksha beads for that. I was so heartbroken when the mala beads broke and because it was so long ago, I don’t remember how it did. I did entrust it to a friend to repair but to this day I have not seen my beloved mala beads again. I know some of you might think, well simply call the girl and ask her back for your beads! Well I did, several times but to no avail. I figured it was Spirit’s way of saying to me, this is no longer for you. So I obliged.

 The second time a rose quartz piece broke for me was exactly a year ago when my partner and I drove down to Georgia to teach a Reiki I class. I wear crystal bracelets on my wrist and after we wrapped up our trip and was getting on the road to head back home, my beautiful bracelet got tangled up with some other stuff and when I pulled on it, the whole thing fell apart. In the parking lot of Subway where we stopped to get sandwiches for our trip home. At the time I didn’t think anything of it because it was a bracelet given to me from a friend who was no longer in my life. I felt that whatever connection was between us was over and in it being over, the bracelet no longer needed to be with me.

 The third time involved my rose quartz pendulum. I had taken it out for mentorship class one month and admired its beauty and in that short space of time, it easily and gracefully fell from my hands and broke the tip off the pendulum. Sigh.

It is only today however that I have put together that four times the same stone broke for me!  Now I still have rose quartz in my home in its natural rock shape but it seems whenever I try to wear it, it just jumps off of me. What to make of it?

 If you google articles on this topic you will find a whole host of answers as to why stones break. I tend to believe and follow the 5 reasons below as to why a stone breaks in your possession. Here they are:

 1) You no longer need that particular vibration/outgrew it: When we are drawn to a stone, it is said spiritually we are seeking something we don’t have within ourselves and by having the stone, it helps to fill us up. So if you needed protection and took to wearing a hematite bracelet and it breaks, the understanding is that you have fulfilled your own protective measures and can stand in your power now.

 2) The attachment to the person is over: Sometimes people give us gifts (not only stones) and when it breaks, it is a signal from Spirit that the connection is over. I remember I had a very rocky relationship with an ex boyfriend for two years and towards the end, I was packing my suitcase and a very expensive bottle of perfume he gave me broke. My mom laughed and said “Well I guess that’s over.” She was so right! A couple weeks later it was over for us.

3) It is saturated with negative energy: If you chose a stone for healing, wonderful! That is what healing stones like to do! So if you are conscientously using it every day with intent, the stone will respond by removing some of that negative energy from you until it is filled at which point it will shatter or break. It is not advisable to keep the stones around after this cause because it needs to be disposed of.

 4) It does not resonate with our energy: This reason occurs more at the beginning of a relationship as in when you first buy it and within a couple of hours or days, it breaks. The stone is saying to you, we do not match! For example, if someone bought rose quartz and soon after it broke,  we can see how the qualities of rose quartz is love and compassion and it will not blend well with someone who has a temperamental and judging attitude.

5) Divine Intervention: and sometimes Spirit/Angels/Guides/Deceased loved ones just want to plain get your attention! It could have been your favorite amethyst they broke or a lamp, just look at me! In this situation when something breaks, stop and close your eyes. Do you feel anything? Do you hear anything? This is how you decide whether there was an entity involved or not.

 Regardless of the reason, broken crystals need to be either fixed if they can be or disposed of. With my beloved rose quartz crystals, I bury them in my yard so their unconditional love and beauty can still be a part of my home and life.

So what do I think is happening for me with my own stones? I went with #1. In each scenario I was involved in some sort of spiritual activity (chanting, Reiki, teaching and now daily sadhana) and I do feel like I am growing spiritually with all these activities. I guess it is a price I have to pay as I steadily continue along my path, but you know it is also a lesson for me. To always remember to not be attached to anything or anyone in this life.

 Today I bury my rose quartz pieces but my spirit is lifted as Spirit gives me confirmation I am on the right path. And so it is.

 Until next time,

Love and Light,

~Uma~